How to Love Again

Prologue

There she stood.

All alone.

Ever so gently as if cradling a baby in her arms, were three long stem white roses individually wrapped with just a hint of baby breath. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath and she knelt down. There in front of her were the names carved in the stone.

This wasn’t the first time she had seen those three names, but this visit was different, more significant, today marked the two year anniversary of their deaths. She knew that this day was coming and she tried as best as she could to prepare for it, but as an 18-year-old girl, how much could she prepare herself to see the headstones of her parents and her identical twin sister.

Every year, she came in the early morning and would spend several hours reflecting on how much she missed each of them and telling them how she was doing. Other complications have delayed her arrival this year.

Gathering the courage to read the letter she had written to her family, Michele noticed something different. Usually Michele was the only one to bring flowers, but today there was a gigantic bouquet of pink and orange Gerber daisies, her mom’s favorite. But who did this, she wondered.

Looking for anything, Michele finally found a little card tucked in the bottom.

“I miss you every day and I wish that I could have said I’m sorry,” Love Bethy.

Bethy? How can that be, she doesn’t even live here anymore.Michele left it at that, it was a nice gesture but she had to regain her courage to read her letter.

“Hi Mom, hi Dad” she said, wiping the lone tear that had began to stream down on her left check.

“I know it has been awhile, but with Nanny, it’s been really hard to get away and come here.

As she continued to read, the words on the page began to blur together as the tears were flooding down her face smearing the ink on the page. It didn’t matter; Michele had written the letter weeks ago and had memorized it.

 “I can’t believe that it’s been two years; she struggled to find the right words for this exact moment. “There hasn’t been a day, wait a minute or a single second when I haven’t thought about you guys and I just wanted you to know that. You are with me and nothing has changed. I love you so much and I would give anything to hear or see you again.

 “Nanny’s holding on as best she can, I think just for me. She’s fighting so hard just for my sake so I won’t be all alone, but I know it’s just a matter of time; so I’ve been preparing myself for when that happens. I don’t want you to worry about me, these last few weeks, I have been okay on my own, and actually it’s not too bad. With school starting up in a few days, I will be really busy and have a lot to keep me busy you know. Well, I hope you are all okay up there. I love you and I will visit soon, I promise.”

Love you.

Laying the roses down by each one of the two names inscribed on the silver stone, Michele took a small step to her right and bent down and placed her hand on the raised letters on the plaque tracing over the letters, “Carly.”

“Hey Carly,” now there was no holding back, Michele’s mind went blank. She had to compose herself in order to say what she has been thinking about this whole time.

“There are so many things I want to say but you know me, it’s better if I write everything down first before I say something stupid. I know that I have said this over and over again and I know that it doesn’t change anything, but I want you to know that I wish that it would have been me over you. That day keeps replaying in my mind and it should be you standing here and not me. It’s not fair. You were always the stronger one, not me. I should have been the one that died, not you. It’s not fair. You know that if things were different, I would gladly change places with you. You had everything going for you and it’s you that was meant to live. I will never forgive myself for living, Carly.  You are not only my sister, but my best friend. I love you and every day that goes by I feel that a piece of me is being ripped way with you not by my side.”

As quickly as those words came out of her mouth, a cool summer breeze wafted over her face and through her thick strawberry blonde hair gently brushing her bangs up in the air.

“Carly, I know you would want the same for me so I am going to do whatever I can to make your memory remain alive. I am going to live the life that you had always dreamed of. That is the only thing that helps me get through each day. I love you.”

Not knowing what to do next, Michele quickly rose and looked down one last time onto the bed of grass between her parents and her twin sister’s gravestone markers.

“Well, I guess that’s it. I miss you guys everyday and know that I love you more than anything and I will come back soon and please don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine and I know you are looking down on me. But please do me one favor, take care of Nanny when she gets to wherever you are and tell her that she did the best job she could taking care of me. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know where I would be. She has helped me get through it all and I don’t think she fully understands that. Bye!”

And with that, Michele placed two fingers to her mouth and kissed each of the markers and wiped the last remaining tear that still clung to her cheek.

As she walked back to her car, Michele wondered what God had in store for her.

She and God weren’t exactly on the best of terms these days. Their already strained relationship was being further pulled apart since her grandmother had to be admitted to the hospital.

“What more do you want from me,” Michele yelled as she threw both of her arms into the air. “First my parents and Carly and now my grandma, please just give me a break, I’m not as strong as you think I am.”

 Michele just sat with her car idling waiting for the answer that in the last 24 months had never come. Knowing that, she turned on the car and drove out of the cemetery and waited to decide where to go to next, home or the hospital.