You and Me

The right time.

She leaned over, hesitated, her moves were unsure. She looked me in the eyes but after a while her glaze went to my lips. This was so unreal, was this even happening? I could feel her hot breath against my lips and she closed the space between us, at that moment everything felt so real. I closed my eyes, wanted to enjoy every second of this moment. Her hand went real fast down my body, I explored her body in return.
Now, I was lying on her, kissing her neck, her stomach.. I didn't want to end this second. It was something I never have had in my life. That feeling that filled my heart with, it was something I will never be able to explain or describe it. Is this how love feels?..
She pulled away, ended the kiss, breathless, her eyes full of need, breathing heavily,.. I could see her the confusion in her look. After seconds she wanted to run away, she wanted to leave me like this, but before she could even get up I grabbed her by her wrist and pulled her in a passionate kiss.
"Amelia.. I.. We can't."
"Then why are you still holding me so close? I know you want it, you know that you're the one I dream abou-"
"Amelia this is just a teenager thing, every teen falls in love with his teacher. This would be only for one night.. And I.. I don't.. I don't want be a experiment of a kid."
"Are you kidding me right? I think I showed you how much I care about you and I want more than just a night. I can't. You know what. I'm fucking leaving. Fucking leaving my own fucking house. FUCK!."
Tears were falling down my cheeks while I was running in the cold night. I could not hear her voice anymore. I didn't want to. Anymore.

*

I was stupid enough to bring my phone with me. I got like 17 phone calls from her but either I shut her down or just let it ring until the ringing stopped. I never felt so anger in my heart. I was feeling fucking miserable, I don't even know hoe many cigarets I smoked that night.

-02:00 am-

I hoped that she already left and I was right. I found a note on my bed saying shit like she cares about me and I should call her but who fucking cares. I hated her at that moment more than anything.

*

I sat down in the living room. Feeling more than miserable. I guess everything in the close past that hurt me just got too big now and I couldn't survive that pain. I looked at my left wrist covered in huge scars and an idea got into my mind. After not self harming for over a tear I was about to take a fucking blade to my skin and play it like a violin.
I was crying, what was weird because I hated to cry.
I went to the bathroom, found my old hidden blades. Was it worth it?

and without thinking I..