You and Me

Reflections

You were stuck inside

I couldn't get you out

I lay beside you and pulled you close

And the two of us went up in smoke

*

You know, during those months I've changed a lot. I was no longer that silly little girl, I looked and acted more like a grown up woman. I dressed differently, but you could still see the "ME" in the clothes. I cut my black hair even shorter to my shoulders and always curled it so it looked vintage-y. I even got a new tattoo. I was stronger than ever before. They say that pain makes us all stronger, the ones who survive it. I killed the pain inside of me.

I haven't heard from her and honestly, it was not that painful anymore. I grew stronger everyday, worked myself to the top.. but I thought about her. Every morning I opened my eyes and every night before I closed them. She was the first and the last thing I thought about. As I said, it was not that painful anymore, but it did still hurt, a lot. Like a dagger stabbed in the heart.

Oh how many times I thought about suicide. How many times I wished I was never born. Isn't it just silly? Years ago I could not understand why would somebody hurt himself because of love, but I do understand it now. I go to my therapies weekly, but not a single soul discuses her in front of me. Right after she left it was a huge thing, they made fun of me even her, but when they saw that I was not interested in fighting, they stopped. They might saw the pain inside my soul that I wanted to hide so bad.

She meant everything to me and right after she left I felt the darkness surrounding me, day by day. I spent my sleepless nights thinking about her. Imagining her, what she was doing. Was she hurt as well? Did she cry like I did? No one could cheer me up. No one could cure my soul, but me.

Of course I did everything to find her. I even found her apartment, but she moved out of it. I knew that she didn't leave the city, but let's be honest, I could never ever find her here. It's impossible, even though I don't like to use this word.

I tried to contact her, I tried everything, but then suddenly I stopped. Maybe it was supposed to be like that.

*

I woke up to the annoying sound of my alarm that reminded me of the fact that it was my last day of high school. I brushed my hard with my fingers and decided to get ready. Today is the "big" day that everybody is excited about, but I couldn't care less. All of the teachers, family members and most of the students is going to be there.. I'm not happy about it.

I took a shower where I daydreamed for a while. Then I got dresses, did my make up and hair. I decided to go for a simple eyeliner with red lips, pinup hair. For the dress I choose a simple rockabilly dress with high heels. I felt truly beautiful when I looked in the mirror. I was proud of the person I became.

I was already at the ballroom where the "thing" was about to begin. I chitchatted with my friends and teachers and I got many lovely compliments. I wished that it was already over.

*

After two long hours the torture was still not over. I had this weird feeling the whole time, but I ignored it. My whole family came to "celebrate" with me.

I looked around and saw my classmates and friends truly happy, I couldn't help but smile. I walked around the huge ballroom. The parents were chatting and eating as well as the teacher. The students were jumping around.

"Amelia." The voice was coming from my back. I got shivers all over my body, but did not turn around. Instead of that I just stood there with my eyes closed, because I knew to whom this voice belonged.