The Secret Book of Unsaid Things

Just Fucking Suffocate

I feel so alone and like no one gives a shit. Before you say you do, hear me out. I know you care. I know you're there for me. But I need to trust myself and love myself. I need days by myself but I can't because I'm only thirteen.

I hate what I see in the mirror. I avoid taking care of myself. Showers, brushing my teeth, combing my hair, and getting dressed when it's not a school day. Yeah. Sure it's gross. But it's because I'm just so done. When I get in the shower I can't get out because it's the only place my thoughts go down with the water and through the drain. It cleanses my head, literally.

I need my music. I need it to wrap itself around me and squeeze the depression and anxiety all away. I want hugs. And snuggles. From someone who isn't my fucking family. I need words I don't even have to trust. I need to forget things and stop worrying till I hurt myself or want to. I need to breathe but I just can't and it's making me sick.

I'm so lost and I'm so damn suicidal and I hate fucking everything about myself and I no longer want to exist. I hate myself for my past and I don't want myself to have a future because I don't deserve it. I want to escape in movies, series, books and video games but that's just all temporary things. And I'd rather have their lives than my own that is permanent till I die. That makes no sense I know, but to me it does.

I need to get away from my family and friends and this small town and this stupid state and this idiotic country. But I can't. If I could travel to another galaxy I'd do it in a heart beat.

I want to jump in front of a car, jump off a bridge into the water. I want to sit in the middle of the train tracks. But I also want someone to try and hold me back. But I can't have that because I don't believe it to be possible. I'm alone in this world whether you say so or not.

We're all alone until we forgive and forget and love ourself and I can't do anything but forgive and replay my many mistakes from one person to the next! I'm so fucking lost and life isn't slowing down and I need air but it's as if I'm on the fucking moon with no space suit!