THE BLIND GLASS RAGE

1

a/n: tbh, I know nothing about what college does what. my research session was, like, four minutes long, but my favorite therapist here told me where his sister went so thanks @ benjamin

***

"Open yours first."

"Absolutely not. You open yours first."

"Why? I don't know what mine says."

"That's kind of the point, isn't it?"

"Don't be smart, Josh."

In my nervous hands, there was an envelope. It was white, and the color felt unbelievably blinding and sharp in my eyes, though it was probably just the worries spilling through my mind. I've held millions (or it felt that way) of envelopes in my hand before this one, and this is the only one that's ever made me so terrified. In fact, it felt difficult to breathe, knowing my future was stuck inside of something so tangible. Inside of sentences, constructed by ink, locked on paper. I'm not sure how Josh felt, but his reluctance hinted that he was as scared as I was.

"Oh my god," Josh gasped suddenly, making my heart skip out of fear. It wasn't a good sound, or a bad one, and I knew he was trying to make himself sound as indifferent as possible about whatever his letter contained. I hated him for it. "I'm not telling you what mine says until you open yours."

He must've sensed me going to ask, because he beat me to it. And he had me trapped now, because I needed to know. Both his and mine. "Okay. I'm opening it now. This is happening."

Even my shoulders shook while I forced myself to hold the house phone between it and my ear, so I could use my hand easier. Really, I didn't want to, but I felt it was time. It had to be.

"And don't be careful with it, either," he spoke, listening to me peel everything as clean as possible, like one tear could sever my future. It could. "Yank at it."

Laughing nervously, I retorted, "that's gay."

"Yeah." Josh said. "It is. But open it anyway."

And I did. And I could feel my sweat on my fingertips, and I imagined it pooling in my palms, and it might not be a huge deal for rich kids to get into college, but it was for me. I applied to eight universities. I've gotten letters from eight of them, and opened seven. Out of those seven, I've been accepted into five. But the only one that really, really mattered to me, was this one. The University of Cincinnati. My number one pick, and it drew the most hesitance from me.

My breathing was slow and calm when I unfolded the paper, though my insides were raging an insane amount. An insane amount. I felt like everything I've ever eaten was going to come back to haunt me, and materialize into vomit, and I was scared.

Before I realized I didn't have to be. Because they accepted me, and I was doing that thing where my heart crawls up my throat and lodges itself there, so I cant talk. I put the letter down, and tried to speak into the phone, but just sounded had their hands around my neck.

"Is that good news?" Josh asked, voice full of hope.

I nodded, and he cheered, and confusion almost bit through the relief, but not even close. "Come outside. I've literally been outside of your house for fifteen minutes."

As soon as I yanked the door open, he screamed, and threw his arms around me, with a similar paper in his hand. He was happy, and I couldn't tell if he was happy for the both of us, or just me. So, I took the paper from his hand, and started cheering, too.

I forgot that my parents were home, and that they were relatively old, so I felt bad when they came around the corner, soaked in alarm. "Boys, would you-" My mom stopped her sentence when she saw the sheet in my hand, and I nodded. They knew I was waiting for a particular letter, and even though it was Josh's, I screamed again. We were all screaming, the four of us, because I was going to college with my best friend of all time and I thought it was going to be the best four years of my life and I was wrong and I was right.

***

a/n: like I said, this is about josh and tyler finding themselves, you know? hope this doesn't suck too bad