THE BLIND GLASS RAGE

22

a/n: thanks for the support that i don't deserve + hefty smut warning + do you know how much drama is coming your way you can't even think of it that's what is up

this is pure smut, so i hope you forgive me for the delay. i don't know penis terminology or what to call the asshole. yikes.

***

Josh had bright bronze in his eyes.

I could see it when he pulled away from me in the dark. Could feel it melting over me, strong and thick, like liquid gold, moving over my skin and sticking there, like the residue of the things we were before. It coated me, and trapped me in my body, holding my bones and blood still, but circumstance just wouldn't allow me to be trapped in my clothes.

My parents weren't in the living room anymore, but left a note on the door, informing us of the fact that they were asleep and that we shouldn't make a mess. And the only reason I saw it, was because of the fact that Josh had me up against my front door, sturdy and full against me, holding me hostage as much as my mind did, and the paper fluttered to the ground. Next to our shoes. The shoes that we were toeing off as fast as we could, my hands on his biceps and his mouth on mine.

"Wait. Wait," I breathed, and he took his lips from mine, giving me space to breathe, and to think. My hand shook while I moved to pick it up, and the paper fluttered in my fingers. "T-they're asleep." I announced. "Told us not to make a me-"

"I want this," Josh spoke, though, his words taking the place of mine. His hands were framing my waist, and my fingers tightened on his arms. And I could feel how much he wanted it, with the pressure I knew was building between his legs, and between mine in return, but I let him talk anyway. "I don't know if this is what you want, but I love you, and I don't know what I'm doing, but you're the only light right now, Tyler. You're the only thing I'm sure of. No matter how many times we argue, you're the only thing I know."

That had me. He had me. And, I swallowed thickly, chest heaving with the force of my heart, the alcohol still a strong taste on his lips but not a large factor in his mind, and I knew that he wasn't lying to me. He had sobered up on the ride there, even though I drove, with him mumbling love love love the entire time while he leaned his head down on the cold of the window, and with me trying to scrub the memory of his touch from me. It just wouldn't leave. It was branded on me, kept still and kept captive.

Shakily, all those things ran through me over and over and over, and I spoke with a tremor. "Kiss me, then." It sounded like a question, more than I wanted it to, but I gave it the chance to saturate the air around us. To be absorbed in the silence of the walls and the emptiness of the kitchen and the light of the lamp in the corner of the room.

It was slow and deep, the pause between my words and our collision. His nose nudged mine, and his hand creeped up to the side of my neck, and I wanted him to kiss me. He could see it, because Josh could usually see what I wanted, and it felt like he was doing it on purpose. Holding the two of us in place, not even an inch sitting between our lips. "Now, would you? Jesu-" I whispered, and my sentence was cut short, in favor of him moving his mouth to mine. The way I wanted him to, the way I needed him to.

Because it was like I'd been drowning the last eighteen years of my life, every day, filled with some form of disgusting false hope, raising me up out of the water just to throw me back in, and this drowning invaded all my senses, parading through me like it was working to showcase itself, wanting nothing more than to be what I was conquered by. And I couldn't breathe all that much, but then, Josh kissed me, and had his hands on my skin, and my lungs suddenly remembered that they had a job to do. And it was not taking in more and more water.