epilogue

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a/n: the amount of nice comments i received on the last chapter made me cry. i was so overhwlemed and thankful and in love.

oh, and if you have any questions, im posting one more part to talk about anything you wanna know (in regards to whatever. characters, me, whatever) and the things i need to say.

also, i dedicate this to milkyjoshler. love you, gabs.

***

Love is a privilege. Love is a feeling. Love is a luxury. Love is caused by attachment to things that can be lost. That includes people, and pets, and even the air that you breathe deep into your lungs, and let saturate your chest as if it were a sponge and not a part of you that always needed to stay dry. And love is difficult, strenuous, and rough. It saws through you, just to see if you can handle it.

And if you knew me, any part of me, you knew I was never the person to throw the word love around, as if it burned my fingertips every time I worked to keep it from touching the floor living beneath my feet. I never said it just to have the metallic, heavy taste scorch at my lips, numb at my throat, stain my tongue.

So, with that being said, when I tell you I loved Audrey and Parker, I felt it with every inch of me. Every space that feeling could've possibly occupied, snaking up through my ribs, grabbing close to my lungs, tightening themselves through the tendons in my arms. I had a garden blooming inside of me. All the love was forcing me to grow things more beautiful than I thought I was capable of. And I loved the both of them. I really did.

"If you stop worrying and get in the van right now, I'll give you fifty bucks."

The four of us stood outside, four warm bodies still in the frozen air of a parking lot. I had my arms folded across my chest, eyes narrowed at Parker's, though he just smiled at me. Happy and small, like he didn't want to scare away anything good by seeming too excited by it. Audrey was sifting through the pockets of her jacket, material ruffling against her rough hands, working to produce the money she'd promised. It took her less than a minute to decide on running inside, leaving in a flurry of hair like fire and a personality just the same.

"Do you think she's serious?" Josh laughed nervously, his obvious trepidation spilling through him. I watched his anxiety fall around him like leaves, and, slowly, it was all coming to rest up around him, moving up his neck like trees branches. I hoped to heaven he didn't know how it felt to choke on plants you hadn't even grown yourself.

Parker nodded, shrugging his shoulders. "Of course she's serious." His voice was drenched in love, like Audrey was the only thing he could feel. It was a beautiful thing to hear, and to see. "You both look like you're going to shit yourselves."

"I'm terrified," Josh spat out, throwing his arms up in the air above him. I could see tears gathering right in his eyes, and I immediately fell into him, locking my body in place next to his. That automatic reaction would never really change. I was there to comfort, and to love. "Does it show? Can you tell?"

"Nothing bad could happen, babe." I assured, gripping at his arms like they would hold me steady for all time, his eyes blinking into mine. He looked at my face like it held the answers to questions he never knew to ask, and my skin burst into a deep blush every damn time. I ignored it, and tried not to fall in love with the sound of his jacket slipping down over his skin, a victim of my hands. "I promise you. I'm sure they already knew."

A few days before Christmas break, I'd brought up something that was just as dreadful and terrifying as it was freeing and inevitable. Coming out to our families. And it was a decent time to do it, the holiday break, if at any point at all. I felt at home in Columbus, felt comfortable and safe and loved (just like I did with Josh. The sun in my sky.), and wanted to do it. Wanted to feel like I had nothing in the goddamn world to hide away anymore.

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