THE BLIND GLASS RAGE

18

a/n: dedicated to asami-senpai and fueledbyblurryface bc im actually forever grateful to them. and my updates are scattered and annoying and im sorry !!  

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When I woke up, it was to the sound of Parker vigorously eating at the leg of a fried chicken, leaning over a plate that matched the material of that china cup he stored cigarette butts in. He looked focused as hell, not taking his eyes from the crumbs and shit that danced on his plate, and Audrey sat there near him, with a white mug in her hand. They didn't know I was awake until I looked awake, all sitting up and looking around and scraping my eyes over everything, as if I've never seen it before.

I was just a bit hungover, but not enough to warrant an extreme amount of agony in my head, so I managed to get up fine. But, hungover or not, the bright lights that streamed through the open window, along with the sounds, ran through my head with a spectacular volume.

"We have to go to the carnival today, because I want some funnel cake," Audrey smiled over to me, tilting the mug in her hand up to her lips, and taking a strong sip. "And because carnivals are really fun."

"When did the carnival come to town?" I muttered out, raising my eyebrows up at the two of them.

"It didn't. They're holding one for the university. To raise money and stuff." Audrey replied. She was answering my question, but she was looking over at Parker so intently, it was a miracle she could focus on anything else but him. Her hand shook when it moved to his face, and she smiled at him lightly, as soon as he put his hand over her's. "It's gonna be fun." Now she was speaking to him. "We're gonna go on the Ferris wheel, babe. Because you loved it the first time."

"I did. Didn't I?" He grinned. She didn't answer before he kissed her, and I took a deep breath at the sight of their relationship, wanting to push the annoyance from me, and somewhere else. I wish Josh and I could do what they did. Kiss and be happy and shameless about it, and care about each other the way they did. "I love you," he said, and I put my feet to the ground, knowing I had to get up soon. I had class.

"As I love you," she smiled.

I felt the words as they said it, but I felt them for someone else, somewhere else. It wasn't Josh and I that exchanged the three damn collection of letters, that people trap into pieces of paper and ink on their skin and morph into the tears in their eyes, and tears can fall, but they will never have the power to slip away, and I appreciated that. I appreciated that, because when I cry, it is usually every emotion that I've felt for the past handful of months, and most of mine have been Josh related. So, when the tears stream, is helpful to know they're not going anyway.

Maybe I'm a fucking control freak, I thought, making my way to the bathroom near Audrey and Parker, meaning I would have to walk past their bubble of love. Maybe that's why he doesn't like me the way he likes Noah.

"Would you make me some coffee?" I called out to the two of them.

"It's already made," Audrey answered, and I muttered a distant thanks and tried to brush my teeth quicker than I was. "It's eleven-twenty, by the way."

"Oh shit!" I exclaimed. My next class was at eleven-thirty, and it was all the way across campus, and I wanted Josh to kiss me. This was not working.

Eventually, though, I got out fine. Coffee and book in hand, and nothing but chaos in mind.

You know, one of the biggest things I learned about myself during college, was the fact that I have an existence like gasoline, and I felt like Josh was an open flame. He was always on fire already, and he didn't really need me to do anything for him, aside from fan the flames he was bathing in. But, he wasn't destructive. I was. He was beautiful and alive, and he wanted his passion, and I hoped to God he hadn't found it in Noah, but maybe he did. Maybe I was just too lazy and too late and too stubborn and too wrong, and I hate that, but it's things you have to deal with.