THE BLIND GLASS RAGE

12

a/n: i work so hard on this story what the hell

okay i lied josh tops

***

Did I have an honest right to be as terrified as I was? Did I have a right to wish that Noah and I were switched? Did I have a right to wish for anything other than Josh's happiness? Who knew? I didn't. Maybe, though, it didn't matter. Maybe it didn't matter because of the fact that I would continue wishing whatever I wished, and continue thinking about how much Josh's happiness should be my number one priority, but it isn't. Mine is. And how I should feel okay with the fact that Noah and Josh were okay, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't fucking do it.

So, the next evening (the day that followed me throwing up and me, somehow, managing to fall asleep), around nine, when he came to see me with fatigue and something else clear on his face, I didn't know what much to do. There's got to be another way to avoid all of this without injuring myself by doing some horrible form of heart surgery, and ripping the damn thing straight out of my chest, I thought. Because there he was, and everything I knew, but hadn't come to terms with yet, surfaced up inside of me so far, it threatened to choke me.

"So, you know how I deal with my problems. Right?" Josh asked me, coming to sit on the chair in front of the desk, moving the clutter off of it beforehand.

"You drink wine or you party."

"Good. Good." He nodded, and scratched at his jawline, that I liked a hell of a lot. And, I'm not sure what I was, if I was anything, but I just don't notice other people the way I notice Josh. It should be that simple, but I didn't feel like it was. "So, uhm, Noah told me he loves me-"

My stomach lurched.

"-and I'm not entirely sure that I feel that way-"

It lurched back into place.

"-but I care about him. You know?"

My insides were burning.

"Can we just. Can we go for a drive, please? I promise I won't almost kill us this time."

It wasn't a joke, and I didn't laugh. Just stood up from my bed, as much as I felt like I never wanted to again, and did all the things people do. Brushed my teeth (I just woke from a nap), fixed my hair, put on some decent clothes I didn't really want to wear, and tried to ignore the thought of my best friend's body and the fact that he, suddenly, became equipped with a boyfriend.

And it made me kind of angry, almost, the fact that my mind didn't know what it was doing in time to make any decent choices. I hated myself for it.

We didn't speak before we got in the car, and I was thankful for that. If I didn't have time to reflect or think or prepare, I probably would have said something incredibly stupid. Like, wow, I just realized how nice your cheekbones are. Or something equally as dumb.

"You know, we should probably quit wasting gas." I spoke, as soon as he started the engine. "It's getting a bit ridiculous. We don't have jobs."

"Oh," he responded. "Well, you're gonna love this idea. But we're staying at a hotel for the night, because we can't drive home and I can't be around Noah right now."