Changes

Chapter Thirty One

It was 3am and I hadn't slept yet. Just cried. I got up and walked into the kitchen. Soda was asleep on the couch. I smiled and grabbed a glass of water and found some aspirin to take to help with my headache. I heard footsteps and turned around to see Sodapop standing there. "Hey, you ok?" He asked. "Not really." I sighed and found beer in the fridge. I was seriously thinking about drinking it because it might numb the pain.

Soda sighed. "You haven't slept yet, huh?" He asked and I shook my head. "I can't... I keep thinking about Dally... And Johnny." I shrugged. "I know, but it's just somethin' we're gonna have to face." He said. "I don't want to. I never thought I'd loose Dally!" I felt myself crying again and Soda grabbed my hands. "Hey, you'll be ok, Dally loved you! Don't ever feel bad that he's gone." Soda said. I started crying again. "My depression is coming back, I can feel it and I hate it. Dally was the only one who could make me happy." I cried and Soda wiped my eyes. "I'm gonna take that job now. I'll be here for you, You're my best "girl" friend and I want you to be happy." He said and I smiled through my tears. "You're great!" I said and hugged him. "Now, go get some sleep." He smiled. I nodded and walked to the door. "Soda?" I stopped and looked at him. "Yea Jana?" He turned to face me. "It's just, I got so used to havin' someone beside me when I'm sleep in' that it feels weird. Would you mind?" I asked. "Well, it'd be more comfy than the couch." He laughed and I smiled and we went to bed.

I didn't even feel awkward about having Sodapop in the bed with me. It felt comforting and I found myself snuggling into him. "I'll protect you... For Dally." He whispered and I smiled. I dunno if that's what Dally'd want, but I'm willingly to take it. I listened to Soda's heartbeat and I finally drifted off.

The sound of talking woke me up.  I rolled over and expected to see Dally, and then it hit me again and I started crying. If this was gonna be a regular thing, I really just wanted to be dead. My eyes were so sore from crying. I stretched then stood up and got out of bed. It was cold so I put on Dally's jean jacket and inhaled the scent. It smelled like him. I was already wearing his chain and ring.

I walked out into the kitchen to be greeted by Soda. "Mornin' doll, did you sleep ok?" He asked, handing me a plate of bacon and eggs. "As best I could I guess." I said and sat at the table. "Is the kid still sleepin?" I asked and Darry nodded. "He talked to me a little bit last night, but he's got a concussion and with the shock of everything, he needs his sleep." He said. I sat there and started eating... But I wasn't enjoying the food. I felt myself about to get sick so I ran to the bathroom.

Soda came running in and held back my hair. "You ok?" He asked after I was done vomiting. "Yea, I think I'm just tired and in shock." I said, my stomach felt weird and I had a killer headache. I ended up not eating... But puking three more times. Sodapop gave me a pillow and a blanket and a glass of water and I sat on the couch all day.

At one point, Darry and Soda were sitting in the living room to keep me company. "I can't believe we gotta make funeral arrangements. Johnny's parents don't even care he's gone and no one could get ahold of Dally's father." Darry said. "But the court house is paying for the funeral. It's gonna be one funeral for both of them and they're getting buried side by side." Darry said. I thought back to what I said when Dally's body was getting carried away. "So he can take care of Johnny." I said, my voice cracking. Soda grabbed my hand so I'd stop crying.

Steve and Two-bit stopped by and Two said how the day if the rumble he knew Pony was in no shape to fight and how he thinks it's his fault Pony's so sick. They stayed for a bit, but I noticed it wasn't like before... Everyone had this dark sadness amongst them. Two-bit wasn't himself and Steve wasn't as loud. It made me uncomfortable to think that by losing people, everyone would change.

I didn't eat supper that night, I went to bed super early, but stayed up half the night crying because there was so much I needed to get off my chest that I'd usually talk to Johnny about... And I felt so lonely and I wanted to hear Dally's cute New York accent and have him smirk at me and stuff. Sodapop eventually came in and I wiped my eyes quick.

He sat down beside me. "So, do you need to talk?" He said. I looked at him. "I just wanna die." I said and he looked shocked. "What? No, Jana, you got so much to live for." He said. "Like what? Everything I care about always leaves so why bother living so I can just get more attached and then be heartbroken for the rest of my damn life!" I said angrily. "Look! I know what you're feeling. I've lost too many people too... I've grown up too fast and I'm not even happy at all.. I just pretend I am so no one bothers me,. That's where we're the same Jana... We hold in all our emotions so no one knows and then we let it out when no ones around and we just sit there and wish things were different, better... Maybe if you were dead it'd be better off as then you feel guilty because you can't leave your family!" He said, starting to cry. Jesus, Sodapop was just like me. I sighed and then hugged him. "If I don't leave you, you promise not to leave me... Ever?" I looked into his tear drenched eyes. "I promise." He said and then I hugged him again. "We both obviously need all the support we can get, and I think we can only get it from eachother because we're the only ones who get eachother." He looked at me and I nodded. "I'm still really glad I had to come to Tulsa... Overall, the last three months have been the best in my whole life." I smiled and played with Dally's chain.

Sodapop just smiled and then laid down. I was still crying but I didn't care. I laid down beside Soda and held his hand. "Goodnight Sodapop." I whispered. "Goodnight Jana." He whispered back and then it was quiet. I drifted off after a couple minutes. I started dreaming about Dally. A happy day with him at the beach. It made me so happy, we were wrestling in the water and he was carrying me up and down the beach. "I love you Jana." He said.  I tried to say I love you back but nothing came out. I fought and then shot up and realized it was just a dream and I was crying yet again. "Dammit!" I said. It was morning and Sodapop was up.

I got out of bed and got the sick feeling again and I got sick at least 5 times. "Maybe I should take you to a doctor?" Soda suggested and I agreed. The thought of the hospital made me think of Dally and Johnny. I put on a pair of jeans and Dally's Jean jacket even though there was a blood stain on it.

Sodapop and I walked out to Darry's truck and he took me to the hospital. I didn't really think I needed to go... I was just in shock and my body was reacting to it. We got there and Soda helped me out. I really didn't wanna go in there.