Changes

Chapter Thirty Three

*trigger warning*
And I cried writing this chapter

After supper, I went in to see Ponyboy. He was still sleeping so I just sat on the edge of the bed. "So, the funeral for both boys is on Thursday, you better wake up before then..." I said. "And now, I'm pregnant with Dally's child and he ain't here to experience it with me. I know he most likely would have left me if he knew, but still, I just want him to know that we made something amazing together." I started crying. "There's so much shit happening in my life right now Pony! I really need you to wake up!" I cried and held his hand. I heard the floor creak but didn't think anything of it. "Do you know what it's like, watching the only two people in the world that ever loved you get murdered right in front of you? It messes you up, and losing everything you ever loved and having no one love you anymore? Ponyboy, I just wanna die." I cried and felt the floor creak again. I turned around and Sodapop was standing there.

He smiled at me. "I think Pony's gonna wake up soon." He said then came in and sat down. I nodded, trying to hold back tears. "I'm gonna take a shower." I said. "Alright." Soda smiled and I practically ran into the bathroom. I ripped my clothes off and turned on the hot water. I stood under the water and bawled. I couldn't take it anymore. The pain needed to be gone. I reached out of the shower and grabbed my old switch. "Hello old friend." I cried and then slid the blade across my left hip a couple times. The pain was almost soothing. I was still crying and then I just kept cutting. I had no control. I cut my arms a few times... And my stomach. Just anywhere I could. I felt weak and I set the knife down, sitting under the running water. I sat there and cried into my knees as blood trickled down the drain. "I'm so-sorry Dallas. I couldn't take it." I said crying and rocking back and forth uncontrollably. I stayed in the shower for what felt like hours.

I got out and stood in the mirror. I just ruined my skin again. Dally would hug me so tight and kiss every mark if he knew... But then again, if he was here,  I'd have no reason to be this hopeless. I dried off and walked out, right into my bedroom. I removed my towel and put on my bra and underwear. There was a knock on my door and my heart jumped. I grabbed my towel and wrapped it around me real quick. "Come in." I said and the door opened and in walked Soda. "Oh! Jeez I didn't know you weren't dressed yet." He said looking away. "No, it's ok." I said. He looked at me "ya sure?" He giggled and I nodded. "Alright then." He said and sat on the bed.

I looked at him. "Please don't kill yourself." He said and I was shocked. "What?" I asked. "I heard you talking to Ponyboy, you're loved!" He said. "Oh really? By who?" I said and turned away. "By me!" He said and turned me around. "Jana, I love you! I just never made a move because you and Dally were so happy, I loved seeing you so happy I didn't wanna ruin it." He shrugged. I started crying again. "But... But Dally, would he want this?" I cried. "I dunno, I just felt like it needed to be said so you knew that at least someone loves you!" He said and laid back on the bed, obviously regretting what he told me. I did have feelings for Soda. They've always been there but having Dally never made them come out any stronger until these past few days.

I pulled on my hair. "I just, feel so hopeless about everything! I don't know what the right chose is about anything and I just, I can't take it anymore!" I cried and slid down the wall in tears again. Soda got up and looked at me. "Do what makes YOU happy Jana!" He said, exaggerating the "You". I looked up at him. "I like you." I said. A small smile crept onto his face. "Really?" He asked. "Yes, I always have." I shrugged. "I just don't wanna disappoint Dally." I looked at Sodapop and he knelt down beside me. "He'd want you to be happy." He smiled. "I don't know if I'll ever be happy again Sodapop, everything hurts!" I cried.

He wrapped his arms around me and I winced because he touched most of the cuts on my side. He looked at me. "Jana, you didn't?" He looked at me. I sighed and stood up. I dropped my towel. "Take it in. This is what I do to myself when everything gets too much, I don't want to feel anymore, I wanna be with Dally, I want to be dead." I said weakly. I watched Sodapop look me up and down, starting to cry and then he pulled me into a gentle hug. "Look, I know I ain't Dally, but I care bout' you just the same, please don't do this, I couldn't handle it if you died alright? And this baby! That's your way of still having a part of Dally with you! you're too beautiful and you need to be happy. If you need to talk, come to me, I'll help you, please? I love you!" He said, wiping away my tears with his thumbs.

I looked into his eyes. "I just. I dunno what to do about anything." I said as a tear escaped my eye for the millionth time. Soda looked at me, a tear fell from his eye and I wiped it away. "I hate seeing you like this." He sighed. I just shrugged. "It's who I am." I said and laid down. I wiped my face and closed my eyes. Soda laid down beside me and kissed my cheek. "I'm staying in here with you tonight, you need someone." He said and grabbed my hand. "Now try and get some sleep, you're exhausted." He said and pulled the blankets over us.

I kept crying for a little bit until I thought of Dally. "Forever and always." I whispered. I could love someone else, but I'd still love Dally forever and always.