Love Letters to the Possibly Broken and the Strangely Unforgotten

November 29, 2015

#12 November 29, 2015

Dear Eligible Adult,

You're 18 today. You have survived so many years of life. One of my friends once told me that it means one has an 100% survival rate. I personally think it is the most disgustingly positive thing I have ever heard. Today, I feel like I am overflowing with words. All day I have had so much that I wanted to say. I'm in AP bio right now. We changed seats and I don't sit behind you anymore, but I can still see you from here.

I want you to know how afraid I am of my feelings for you. I'm afraid that I am merely a girl who knows the difference between the photosynthesis and respiration, which, therefore, makes me insignificant. I'm afraid that I will lose myself in everything that I feel for you because it is so overwhelming. This was something that I never asked for. I spent four years of my life ignoring the soccer star, but now that you're staring me right in the face, I don't know what to do. I always thought you were hot, yeah, but that's so different. Now it's so different. I think that I'm even more afraid of you finding out. That would make things awkward. You are still with Lorde. Even though I want to be able to play with your hair and trace the freckles on your chest, I'm okay with us being friends, even though it causes me perpetual emotional distress. I don't think I have ever loved a real person this much. Fictional, sure, but no one real. As I said before, I read books about people like you, and I fall in love with them every time.

I think that if we dated, we would be beautiful. I may not be as pretty as you, but no one would look at us and think that we are unequal. Intellectually, we are perfectly matched. I have never met anyone like it. We would have the best arguments and the worst fights, and when we made up we would share the best kiss. I can imagine us watching movies that you like but I have never heard of at your house; I can imagine us going to pumpkin farms and amusement parks; I can imagine us being happy. I want to run my hands through your hair and fix whatever cracks the past has left on your heart. There has got to be a reason you are the way you are. No one is that driven. Do you work for the stars? Do you work for God? What makes you think that you have to be the person to change the world? Today, I read an article about you in the school newspaper. You want to be an engineer, and I cannot think of a career more perfect for you. This way, you really will change the world.

I feel like all of my emotions are conflicting so much, and as I sit here and watch you bite at your cuticles, I fight the urge to stare. It is a constant battle between fighting the attraction and embracing it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I love you too much. I need to stop. But I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. Someone please help me stop because the words are pouring out. These are words that you will never read because I am such a coward and I don't want to be the cliche that people associate with loving you. What would you think of these letters? Would you think that calling you an angel is inappropriate? Would you be disgusted by the thoughts I have when you walk in a room? Would you be able to understand at all? I think that I hardly understand these feelings I have for you, and it is only because I am so good with words that I can even try to express it. I can talk about how your name means that your name means "God has heard" as much as I want but that doesn't mean that it is God's response to my prayers. You are not the angel that God has sent for me.

I know that I have an angel out there somewhere. Will. And I want you to know that you should not stay with Lorde, in my honest opinion. You are not the angel for her. I don't know if she makes you feel like you are insignificant. Maybe she makes you feel things you do not want to feel. Either way, you two do not belong. I strongly believe in the concept of soulmates, but also in the idea that opposite personalities attract. Do you ever think that just maybe, God sends the angels to love the demons because no one else will? Is there another demon out there for you? One with long, shiny hair and a quiet personality. Is she the one for you? While I believe in other cliches, I do not believe in love at first sight. And in this case, I still do not. You are not my first love, and nor are you my last. You are simply my present, used by God to teach me something important. I just wish that I knew what it was so then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have to hurt so much.

Love,

The Broken Girl with the Empty Words