Outside and Inside

Part 8

My dearest Amber,

Do not give up hope. We will be together again somehow. There must be some way.....

Slovarek is back and is waiting for me to give him this to pass on to you. I feel so guilty about the fate of the other driver but there was nothing we could do. It wouldn't have helped if I had come forward, he would still have been put to death. I would have just joined him.

I think that I should tell Slovarek just to go, not to put himself at risk. But I am too selfish. I will not give up what limited contact we still have. Slovarek would not want us to anyway. But there will be no more supplies. That would be just too much of a risk for us to expect him to take.

Don't say anything to Emma but I think Ben is going to attempt to break out of here. If he succeeds I might do the same. My life here is nothing, just endless day and night, without you to share it.

I wish you could tell Carl that I will be coming to claim you back. That he should just stay away. But I guess it is still essential that none of the others discover our contact. Just try and keep away from him as much as you possibly can.

Don't give up, Amber. There has got to be some way for us to be together again. We just haven't found it yet.

Love forever, Joel.

***

Oh Joel,

You would never believe how pleased I was to see Slovarek back in the driving seat of the truck. I honestly did not expect him to return. And he is so good to us, still carrying our letters in spite of knowing the risk. When this insanity is over we will owe him so much.

My father wants me to go with Carl, to be partners. I want nobody but you. It was on the tip of my tongue to say this to him when I decided that silence was best. My father called Carl to take me but I refused to go and turned to walk away.

My father, my always gentle father, grabbed me roughly by the arm. He spun me around and punched me. I was so shocked that at first the pain in my face and eye didn't even register. He shouted that I had to do as he told me but I just walked away from the two of them. I hope they will just leave it at that and accept my wishes.

I have big bruises on my arm and my eye is half closed. We have no mirrors so I don't know what state my face is in but I am glad that you can't see me. I'm quite sure that I'm not a pretty sight.

Kate was so brave. She found me sitting off on my own, tears streaking my face. She put her little arms around me and told me I'd be fine and I just had to stop crying then. She sat on my knee and I told her about the fair you and I went to last year. It is hard to believe that things have changed so much and in such a short time too. Will there ever be so much colour and joyful laughter in our lives again?

I thought he'd feel remorse. Father, that is. But not at all. He is still spending lots of time with Carl. I can tell by the way that they look at me that they have not given up on their plans yet. Oh, but they'd have to kill me first and I really don't think Dad would go that far.

Anyway, as you must be able to tell from this I have not given up on US. While I live and breathe I will not give up. I wonder whether it might be easier for me to find a way in rather than you find a way out. But you'd have to have somewhere to hide me because my dark hair would be rather obvious. I could cut it all off, I suppose.

All the rations you sent out to us are long gone now so we are mostly back to leaves and roots. I guess we have lost about a third of our original number so far to the sickness. It is not finished with us yet though as at least ten more are ill now. The spring water did seem to slow it down but perhaps it's in the soil. And the only alternative to eating what grows out here is to starve.

Keep thinking of a way for us to be together, Joel. I will try anything that you can come up with.

Your loyal and loving Amber.

***

My poor Amber,

I can't believe how your father hit you! I'd really like to take a swing back at him for you.

He always liked me. Do you think that you should confide in him about our plans to be together again? Perhaps then he would be a bit more understanding of your feelings. But if you think telling him would make it worse don't say anything. He will find out soon enough anyway.

And as for that Carl........I'll never forgive him if he so much as lays a finger on you. Tell him to leave you alone. Make sure that you say it in a way that makes it clear that you have absolutely no interest in him whatsoever. I'll have plenty to say to him when I get outside of this place.

Thinking of you hurt and in pain is almost too much for me to bear. I want to get out there, be with you, ease your aches and pains. How I hate this! Being trapped in here with you out there.

I want to tell you not to eat the plants. The contaminated water must be infecting them. I can't tell you to starve though. Is there any more wildlife around? If not, that would point to the vegetation being a cause of the sickness, wouldn't it?

There are so many things I would like to say to you but there is so little time for me to write. I will try and dream about that fair. If you do too, maybe we will meet up there together. I know it seems far-fetched but who would have believed a year ago that we would be living like this. Neither of us I am sure.

There are ever more frequent beatings here, and there have been several more executions. Whoever is in charge must be feeling under threat or something. There seem to be ever more guards watching over ever fewer workers. And they are all looking out for spies.

I will warn Slovarek to be extra careful.

Yours forever, Joel.