The Struggles of Growing Up-Completed

Chapter 27

"You are five weeks pregnant, and the fetus is healthy." Dr. Castillo tells me, as she looks at the ultrasound. I look at my exposed stomach, then at the monitor, trying to find the little sesame seed.

That's what she told me: the baby is the size of a sesame seed.

"Read this literature on first time pregnancies, it will help." She smiles at me. I smile sheepishly back.

"A-Are you happy about the pregnancy." She asks carefully, pausing in front of the door. Her dark red hair looks classy and elegant with her brown eyes and it's intimidating. I look at my wet stomach.

"I'll let you get dressed. Why don't we talk in my office?"

I should have just answered. Now I get the talk.

"S-Sure."

"This wasn't planned, was it?" And as she asks, there's not one hint of judgement, which helps. I look around her office.

"No. It was literally my first time too." I laugh. And I keep laughing, because of how ridiculous it all sounds. And I'm just putting the pieces together. My laugh turns into soft tears really fast.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Hormones, I guess." I choke out, wiping a tear. She hands me tissues.

"Emma, I know it's a shock right now-"

"And Zach and I have gone through so much lately. A baby is too-"

"-but I hope you don't feel too much resentment too long. This isn't the worst thing that could happen."

I sigh. "I know. It's just, a really bad time. Zach is in shock too. He couldn't even be here. We had a fight." I look down at my hands.

"He needs time to grasp the information. And so do you. Take a day off, I know your job is demanding, especially now." I smirk.

"Yeah it is. But so is my life."

She hands me a picture of the sesame seed and I'm free to go. It's the first doctor visit of the next nine months, and I although I seem bitter, I really don't know how I feel about it.

But she's right, it could be worse. Bringing life into the world is not the worst thing, but it is the worst time.

It's been exactly one week since our fight, since I took the test. I told him about this appointment, but I guess he's still too mad at me to come. I am mad at him too, but his not coming broke my heart. Not that I need him here, but because it's not like him to miss things like this. He's always taking the bigger step, but maybe he's tired of that.

A very pregnant woman walks past me into the hall, with a five year old trailing behind. I don't even realize I'm staring at them until she asks me to watch her five year old while she uses the restroom. I nod, not thinking.

"Hi." I tell the little girl.

"You have funny eyes." I chuckle.

"I-Well, I guess they are." They're funny to her because my eyes are a stark bright gray, and hers are a warm brown, like Zach's.

The girl has dark brown hair and brown eyes. She's carrying a doll and looks happy.

"I–I thought you said the appointment was at three."

I look up from the girl and Zach is right there. He says this softly but I don't know if he's mad, apologetic, sad. Etc.

"No, I said 2:30." I say in an equal tone.

"Oh."

It's tense. He's searching my eyes and I don't know why.

"Thank you for watching Lizzie." The pregnant woman tells me. I just smile and nod and watch the little girl go sit with her mother.

I look back at Zach and he is still looking at me.

I'm stubborn. We all know that, but Im going to be a mom now, I should really grow up, right?

"I don't want to fight." I say to him. "Can we talk?"

"Is-Is the baby ok?" He says more sternly this time. I blink.

"Um, yes."

"Then I should get back to work. It's crazy back there." He moves in to kiss me on the cheek but I know he's being passive aggressive. I step back. He purses his lips then walks away.

I am in such a shock that I don't know what to do next. He is seriously mad. Seriously mad.

Back at Remlor, I am asked again who I want to hire as the new CFO.

"Look, Hannah, I don't know. Bring in some candidates." She nods. Sometimes HR can be so annoying.

I catch up on my work that I've been slacking on.

Dr. Castillo told me not to resent the baby, and I don't, but I can't help this one feeling. This one feeling deep deep down in me. It's minute but it's there. The feeling of regret.  I wish I hadn't gotten pregnant. I wish I hadn't taken the Remlor job. I wish I never left Stanford.

***

"You need a project." Lor tells me over the phone. It's night, and although it's really late where Lor lives, she's still on the phone with me. If that's not true friendship I don't know what is.

"Oh, more things to add to my plate?" I say sarcastically. This house gets so lonely. Talking on the phone makes me feel lonelier. Then I remember I'm not alone. There's a sesame seed inside me keeping me company.

"Don't think of it like that. You've got all this money, this job, all of
Your connections and publicity, use it. Channel it toward something good, something philanthropic."

"Like a charity?"

"Yes."

"Like what?"

"Oh Emma, do some thinking."

I stay silent for a few seconds.

"Ok, I recently volunteered at a school, and they have iPads being given to 12 year olds and touch screen boards and it's amazing, but the students couldn't care less. They mess around and they don't put effort. And it got me thinking: these kids should be grateful for the opportunity they have. Some kids don't even have a school near them-"

"I'm gonna build a school."

"What?"

"That's a great idea. I'm going to build a school."

"No, Emma, I meant like help an already existing school."
"No, I'm gonna build a school from the ground up. You said so yourself: I'm rich. With my job and my inheritance I'm rich. I need to put at least some of that money to good use."

"Really? That's a lot. We don't want to push it..." She hesitates. I am sitting up now, jotting ideas down in my notebook.

"No, it's perfect. I need to channel my negative energy somewhere else: not on Zach, not on... The baby. I need positive energy. With everything messed up again, I need something good. And you're gonna help me."

"Me?"