The Struggles of Growing Up-Completed

Chapter 34

I used to be a firm believer in the natural course of life. That some things are meant to be and some are not. The fact is, I've never been without money, being the child of rich parents who own a multi-million dollar company. Owned. And that's the thing, life was good until my grandfather died, then my father died. Then the arranged marriage and the annulment and the trouble over the company. I got into Stanford but then we came back here. Here. 

Now I just don't know if the meant to be thing is true. How could it be meant to be that I lose my first baby? How could it be meant to be that Zach and I live in this world of hurt?

Or maybe I'm still learning how life works. Like I've said before, sometimes I forget that I'm only 22. I feel like I'm 30 sometimes. I feel like I've been trying to fast forward to 30 years old in a span of five years. But that's not right, that's not "meant to be". Or is it?

"Hire me."

"What?"

"Let me work here again."

I've been waiting to muster up the courage to ask him to come back but I knew it wouldn't be as simple as that. First of all, how could he just up and leave EcoTech after three months? Second, we've never really worked together. I let him run the show the first time around, how would it be now? But he asked for the job. 

But why? What if his only motivation is concern for me. I can't even consider him if he's not serious about the job itself. If he told me this weeks ago, I wouldn't have hesitated. Now? Now there's a whole other layer of grief that wishes to be acknowledged. 

There's an urgency in his voice, in his manner, in his eyes. Is it totally immature that all I want to do at the moment is kiss him? I don't want to think about the job or think about hiring my boyfriend. I want to be something I can never be.

"Why?" He relaxes slightly, and so do I. I don't want the company to come between us, again. I don't want another fight, again. And I think he feels the same way, and that's why we're trying to act like this is all so normal. 

It is so not. 

"I think we've been trying to make up for the fact that we joined our lives together way too soon by trying to live separate lives, together. And our health, our relationship, the company, everything, is suffering because of it." He takes off his glasses and gently rubs his eyes. I just focus on his movements, trying to gather up as much information about his tone and meaning behind those troubling words. 

I wonder how he came to that conclusion, how he put it all together. Did he keep seeing Dr. Weatherly? Or did he stop altogether and just realize this? There are certain moments in life I'll never forget, ever: my father's death, his funeral and my interaction with Zach, the day we signed the marriage papers, the day we got the annulment approved, our first kiss... 

I've been trying to make up for the fact that we joined lives too soon. I went to Stanford and Zach followed, I suggested we move back and Zach followed, I didn't want a pregnancy that would inherently unite us forever. 

And I don't regret some of those things, like Stanford or moving back to LA. Maybe those things were "meant to be", but they weren't mutual decisions. That was me trying to be independent, trying not to be one half of a fake marriage. 

And Zach went along with it because he felt guilty. We set ourselves up for disaster. Remlor is a part of both of us, both of our families founded it, together. In some weird way, their original plan with the marriage had some sort of beauty in it. They wanted to ensure it would be a team, a pair leading the company on to the next generation. I couldn't and can't do it alone. Zach couldn't do it on his own. Will screwed it up all on his own.