faking it l.r.h

1.0

Adelaide

I tuck my hair behind my ear and look down at my phone, wanting to so badly ignore him but he knows I'm awake. I unknowingly opened the message and now he knows I've seen it. Plus my light is on.

Luke never made an appearance at Sam's party and so every time the door would open my eyes would immediately dart to the person entering. His texts kept replaying in my head, he wanted to hang out, so how come he never showed up? My heart ached as 30 minutes turned into 60, then into hours. I was out of my element, I didn't know how to act or reply when people approached me.

It was a bad idea, to say the least, I looked like I was trying too hard as I stood against the wall with a bottle of water in my hand. I felt used and worn out. I felt smothered as people came and went, their night seemingly going swell. I wanted the world to swallow me up and throw me into the pits of hell. So when the clock struck 11, I was out of there like the night breeze, my hopes for him showing up had dissipated.

I slowly walked six blocks home, not caring the slightest bit about the dangers my mom had warned me about all my life. My heels swinging back and forth in my hands. I felt like I was walking the walk of shame but instead of walking home from a guys house I was walking towards it. My wobbly legs were trembling by the time I rounded my street, the temperature dropping drastically. I despised myself mostly, for thinking that a guy like Luke would actually hang out with me at a party. He probably thought I wouldn't mind and I shouldn't.

I rub my feet together underneath the sheets as I try to regain feeling in my toes. My phone buzzes again and I know I shouldn't answer but I go against myself anyways and open them.

Luke:

Hell o.

I wait a minute to reply so I don't seem like I was waiting for him to text me.

Me:

??

Luke:

will u open ur wind ow

I shake my head at his choice of texting and hear a sharp tap on my window. I toss my phone to the side and pull the sheets off me. I swear if he breaks my window I will personally tell Liz. I open my window and peek my head out, my cheeks flushing from the cold bitterness. I can't help but smile when I find him looking for another rock to throw at my window. Stop. I should be angry at him, he stood me up. Then again he didn't know any better.

"Luke!" I hiss, not loud enough to wake my mom up, though. He stops and looks up, a dumb smile forming on his face.

"Addie!" He says a bit too loud. I hush him and he puts his fingers to his lips like he's hushing himself too.

"What are you doing?" I ask, watching him as he chuckles and stumbles over his feet.

"Let me come up!" He says, this time quieter. I look at the clock on my desk and sigh.

"There's an alarm on the door!" I say, that and also I look like I just walked a marathon. I'm not wearing a bra and I'm only covered in a tight tank top and some shorts. Not really something I'd usually wear but I haven't done laundry.

"I'll climb up!" He says and before I can protest he's already climbing onto the terrace. I back away from the window and anxiously wait for him to come up. He suddenly climbs through my window and I wonder how the boy could manage that.

"That was fun." He whispers as he regains his balance. I cross my arms and scold him, the smell of alcohol is what I notice first. I look up at him, his hair is disheveled and his features look enhanced in the dim light.

"What are you doing here Luke?" I question. He shrugs and walks over to my bed, kicking off his checkered slip on vans, sitting with his legs crisscrossed. Does he even know he stood me up? I doubt it, I assume not much goes through his head.

"It's just like old times when I'd sneak in here." He looks around and makes himself more comfortable in my bed. I want to point out that it's not like old times and he can't just waltz in here whenever he feels like it but I swallow it back. I need to realize that he's here, to stay.

"I guess," I say instead of what I actually want to. I walk around to the other side of my bed and sit on the edge, giving him some room. My comforter is soft against my thighs and I feel exposed under his stare. I suddenly feel his arms drape over my waist, pulling me further onto my bed. I try to make as little noise as possible as he tangles me with him, our limbs twisted together. My chest is pressed against his, my nipples hardening from only his touch. It's then I realize that we can't do this if I heard my boyfriend was doing this with another girl, I'd freak out.

"Luke," I whine quietly, my hands pushing at his toned chest. He pulls himself on top of me, spreading my thighs so he's fixed in between them. I glance up at him panicked, his eyes calm pools of blue, dripping in something I've never seen before. He smells like that one Calvin Klein cologne I gave him one Christmas and dryer sheets. I close my eyes and feel his hands trace around my waist and hips, keeping me close to him. I feel his fingers play with the ends of my shirt, dancing on my exposed skin. His eyes look down at my chest then my exposed neck. I relish in the moment, his hips pushing down against mine harshly, I had never seen this side of him. And even though I dreamt about being this close to him to where I could feel his warmth I knew it was a mistake.

"Luke, no," I say quickly, pushing him away successfully this time. A simple 'oh' leaves his mouth as I sit up on my bed. My cheeks are flushed and my body feels a certain way as I try and make as much distance between us as possible. I'm not uncomfortable, I am far from that. If anything, I want him, more than anything right now. Luke has a girlfriend and if I became a home wrecker I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Also, I'm supposed to be gay? I don't know how long I can keep up with that act if he keeps coming unexpectedly like this.

He sits up along with me and stands up.

"Addie, I'm so sorry." He says quietly, his voice laced with guilt.

"No—Luke," I say, holding my hands up in protest.

"No, I didn't even ask you and you probably hate me now." Would he have asked me if he were sober? His lips fall into a pout as he tries to apologize. I want to tell him that I wanted it and that I want him to do it again but there are a few things standing in the way.

"Luke, it's okay, I'm fine and so are you," I say, reaching to touch his hand. His eyes travel down to my hand touching his, keeping them there for a moment.

"I should go." He mumbles before walking to my window, climbing out and looking up at me once more before speaking. "I'll text you." For some reason, I feel like he's saying sorry about tonight altogether and I accept the fact that I will never be with someone like him.