With every end, comes a new beginning. Sometimes that end is good, and sometimes, sadly, it is bad. The way I see life is very different from the ideas that everyone has about it as of late. I don't have a single care in this world.
But it wasn't always like that.
I used to battle a lot with anxiety, and sometimes, at key moments, I still do, but who doesn't, ya know ? If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that the reason I got over it so quickly, was because of a terrible break up I had last year.
A first love is something that only happens once in your life, and you either grow old with that person still in your life, or you guys fall off
in some very convoluted way and you end up really hurt for a while.
Mostly, I think first loves are meant to teach you a lesson or to help you grow, and the ones that teach you something are usually the ones you fall off with.
Sadly, my first love was meant to teach me something about patience, virtues, standards, and boundaries.
My first love (and for the sake of his privacy, his name will be Jonah) was the sort of guy no one ever thought would settle down, HE couldn't even see himself tied down; and neither could I, but for some dumb reason I thought I could change him.
Two months into our relationship, he cheated, and again at our three month, and AGAIN at four months.
I was young and dumb.
I had lived a hard life full of loss, and I thought I deserved him, even if he didn't deserve me.
But, I forgave him and we talked and he vowed to never do it again.
(Ladies, with cheating, please take my advice. If it happens once, that fool don't love you and he's GOING to do it again. It's best to just let it go right then, because there are sooooo many guys that would do what he does and more.)
Anyways so, the guy was a cheater. But he didn't look like one! He held doors for me, he dressed nice, he was an athlete, he did poetry (he wrote me poems all the time, randomly), he sang to me, he danced with me; we were like best friends. No one would ever think he was a cheater. But when we got together, he already told me that he had a problem wit it in the past, but somehow I thought that would never be me. I told you, I was dumb. (I mean, I was only 15 at the time.)
I let this guy COMPLETELY in. He met my father, my mother, my siblings, my great grandpa, my grandma, EVERYONE. I planned a future with this guy, I was gonna move in with him the year I turned 18.
It just so happened that I moved away to Virginia, but we kept our relationship strong. We saw each other once or twice a month, and for a while everything was okay.
We took each other's virginity on New Years night, and it seemed like that's where all the problems started.
After that, he cheated even more, to the point where he had an entire relationship going on with some girl, and when I confronted him about it, his excuse was that he thought I was gonna be gone for good and he just wanted to be able to move on.
I knew then he didn't love me, and never did, but I loved him so I stayed. Now I was 16 years old.
So eventually, I started wondering what it would be like to be with another guy. I wondered how it felt to be held by someone else. I wanted to know how he felt when he did these things, and if I could do the same things he did. And I wandered right into it. I cheated on him, twice, and to this day, even though we aren't even friends anymore, I am still apologetic about it. I hated it. And at the moment it happened, both times I cried, and embarrassed myself.
I didn't care, I just knew that couldn't happen anymore.
So I called him, told him about it, and we got over it.
But, something was always happening.
Later on that year, I battled a lot with depression and anxiety, and I cut myself and always slept 12+ hours a day. I barely ate, and me and him barely spoke. But one day, I just couldn't take it.
I texted him, and I told him I was going to kill myself.
He never protested me, to put it simply, he just said, "if that's what's going to make you happy, do it." And we said our goodbyes and I love you's and I took a handful of aspirin.
It didn't kill me, but the next day, I was throwing up everywhere. I would get up and rush to the toilet, and my stomach would heave and heave until acid came back up, mixed with half digested pills.
I told him, and he was neutral about it. It was like it didn't phase him that I was suicidal and could have died.
After that, I knew he wasn't in love, and I knew he was cheating again.
And later I found out he was having sex with another girl behind my back the whole time, bringing her around his friends and family and everything. I was crushed, but STILL, just like an idiot, I freaking stayed.
So later on, I moved back to North Carolina, and he was really happy for me, but at the time he was in Florida on vacation.
When he came back though, it was not what I thought it would be to be back near him. He never wanted to spend time with me, and the first time he got the opportunity to see me, he went with his friends instead. When asked about this, he came over a little more for like a week and a half, then it went right back to being with his friends.
Once, I showed up at his house, and he made me leave so he could go on a bike ride with his friends and his brother. Then, when he told me he would go to church with me, he went with his friends instead, AGAIN.
We argued a lot during this time.
There were other factors too, like the fact that he was ALWAYS late to EVERYTHING we planned. On my birthday, my dad bought us two tickets to this place called spooky woods, and he picked me up from home three hours late and got me back home at almost three in the morning when my curfew was 12. This led to my anxiety so much that it still bothers me to be late in the to this day.
After this, we just existed in our relationship. He cheated, and I cheated and we argued all the time. I would say petty things all the time while we argued and make it seem like I was done, just to see if he would fight for me (never a good idea, looking back now). He never did.
Then, one day, he called me and told me he didn't think "God wanted us to be together anymore." I cried, I begged, I pleaded for him to stay, but he wouldn't listen to any of that. I was crying to him, saying, "Jonah, please, don't fucking do this. Don't leave me, please." All he said was, "Where was all this before?" I said, "I don't know, just please for Gods sake, don't go," and he stayed quiet. "What did I do to make you wanna go? What could I have done?" I asked; And he said, "You pushed me away." And the conversation ended, just like that.
My depression and anxiety got immeasurably worse. There were times that I sat in the window of my room on the second floor, staring at the ground and imagining my body sprawled out on it, dead. I slept after school, before school, and in class. I didn't eat at all. I drank water, and when I got really hungry I had to force myself to eat at least some bread. I could barely breathe when my phone rang, and at night all I could think about was him with another girl. It made my bones hurt, it made my skin crawl. I was a wreck.
So my standards were low, and I started messing with another guy, which was a mistake. I should have let myself heal, but I didn't. I needed to feel loved before I did something dumb.
And after that, I found out that he was with his best friend's sister, whom he'd been around when we were together. I went on another downward spiral.
It took me almost six months to get over Jonah. Literally, I would sit and torture myself, thinking about him and his new girlfriend. I really, really cared.
Now, I'm happy, though. I can't even really explain how I got over it, one day I just realized it didn't hurt as much.
Of course, I still get that occasional twinge, thought, I mean I really did care. For the longest time I couldn't even listen to Earned It by The Weeknd, because it reminded me of our prom night. He'd sang the song softly in my ear while we danced..
Now, to ask me about it, I would just laugh because he is the reason I'm so strong. He taught me a hard lesson, but a lesson regardless. And now, when guys try to get with me or tell me something sweet, I just laugh because I've heard everything. I can't be manipulated anymore, I can't be deceived anymore, I can't be the fool anymore. He made me smart, and he taught me never to be dumb for a guy again.
So, in a word, the key to not getting your heart broken, is to always stay awake and alert to the signs. If love fails, it was never love in the first place because love never fails. But if it's going downhill, there's always gonna be signs. Don't ignore the simple things. You don't have to put up with ANYBODY'S shit. Appreciate you, and the rest will follow.
-Just some advice from the author
