A Cold Day in December

A Cold Day in December Chapter Eighteen

A Cold Day in December

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Sincerest gratitude to CloudyNightSky's tremendous help. You have a keen eye that could take you to places. xD

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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

THE IRONY OF THE SERPENT

Football, I had no idea why it was so popular in the suburbs, but then again, I was a city kid. My notion of hard-sweat-inducing and whole body exercise was walking around the streets of New York with a cup of Starbucks in one hand. So, when Julien asked me to watch a game with him in the middle of winter, I gaped at him. "That's a joke, right?" He crossed his arms and stared at me. "Oh god, I hope that's a joke."

He shook his head in disbelief. "Come on, I want you with me when I watch."

"Julien, its winter, why would people want to chase a ball that won't even bounce in the right direction?" Ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous. We stared at each other intensely, willing the other to back down. "Do I look like a sports person to you?" I asked incredulously when a full minute passed without either of us blinking. If it was up to me, I would prefer to just close my eyes and catch up to some sleep that evaded me last night. With everything that was happening in my life; the amount of mess I had to sort out; decisions I should think over before making, sleep was no longer a necessity but a luxury. Julien sighed and crashed on my bed. The bed, it was calling me. Oh god, I should definitely get some sleep.

"I just wanted you to meet some of my friends," he muttered, closing his eyes to wallow in the warmth and softness of the sheets.

Fear instantly took over my system the moment his words sank in my head. He couldn't possibly... "Julien," I called to him in alarm. "We've talked about this." For a brief space of time, the silent and comfortable atmosphere got infected by my poisonous thoughts. He couldn't have told anyone. It was one thing to tell his sister Julia, but quite another to tell somebody else. The picture that suddenly formed in my mind's eye vividly depicted a scene that made my heart to thump wildly.

Propping himself up by the elbows, he looked at me with an expression that confirmed my worst nightmare. "Don't worry about it," he tried to reassure me, but already too late to calm my escalating anxiety.

"Dammit Julien! How could you do something so stupid?!" I paced around the room, my heart threatening to explode inside my tightening chest. Arms suddenly slithered around my waist to lock me in a tight embrace. Julien's body pressed on my back as he rubbed his face on my cheek and ear, whispering words I could barely understand through the chaotic muddle fluttering in my battered head. I sighed, defeated and beat. "At least tell me you were planning on saying the truth to me.” He grunted an assent as he tightened his hold on my waist, melding our bodies together as one. "Who are they?"

"Family and friends."

I involuntarily jerked away from him in lightning speed, struck with the blood-curdling quality of his information. "What?! Your family and friends?! What's that supposed to mean?!"

"I told them about us. Everything."

"Oh god, without discussing it with me?!" He was a fool, an idiot, a moron, a dumb jock with a brain the size of a pebble. "But I-"

"Eriol," he cut me off. It wasn't the authority in his voice or the seriousness of his expression that sent me to a complete halt. His eyes, the look of disappointment in them was filling the room at dangerous levels. I lowered my shoulders, my face relaxing as I put on a blank expression. It was my cue to strengthen my means of emotional protection. "Eriol-"

"It's over."

He stared at me blankly, as if the context of what I said was foreign to him. "No," he muttered in shock.

"I asked you not to tell anyone." All the chances, risks, and sacrifices I've made to pursue my passion with him had led to this make-or-break point, and there was no turning back. "It's over, Julien."

The manner in which he took my own news broke my heart and soul. I never wanted this to happen. But I guess no matter how perfect something was, it would soon crash and burn, like everything else. He laughed, cold and painful. I finally did it, I dumped him. The feeling was indescribable. I had never directly rejected or dumped anyone in my life. I had let girls down very gently; I had run away from Cole; and made Seth know that I couldn't offer him anything more than my friendship. And now, today, I had done it, a first. It was as if I had driven a two-ended spear in his heart, then pulling it back out just to stab my own heart with the same impact, injuring us both in the process.

Now what? I thought pensively. What should I say next? Thank you for the good times and fun memories? Good bye, see you around? Apologize or something? Reason out that it was me and not him? Or should I act like it didn’t happen at all? Like ‘us’ didn’t happen? What? What was the proper thing to do? Where was the rule book about this?

“You should’ve realized that, what you asked me was too much,” he finally spoke, his eyes, luminous and fiery, drilling into mine. “I didn’t realize it at the time, but as the days passed, it felt to me, like I agreed upon something a stupid person would.” I briefly considered feigning confusion to stall for time to think of something remotely good enough to say, but I decided that that would just push him over the edge. I had done enough damage as it was.

“Julien-”

“You stop talking and listen to me, Eriol,” he yelled, pointing a finger at me, I was forced to take a step back. I thought how fantastic it would be for the earth to split up and swallow me. I’d been in many uncomfortable and awkward situations before, but this outranked them all. He wasn’t even making any attempt to hide, repress, or lower down his emotions. He was hurling them up into the wind like darts keen to destroy me. A sense of remorse overspread in my whole being. “I thought I could control myself when I’m with you, but I was wrong. I wanted to touch you, to kiss you, to feel you in front of everybody and proclaim how damn lucky I am to have you and how happy you make me. But you chose to take that away. You left me with no choice. I just couldn’t stand the thought that someone might take you away from me, because they didn’t know you belong to me.”

“I did it to protect you,” I said, trying to sound neutral.

He laughed bitterly after pausing for a minute, then advancing further into the room; I matched his little steps to compensate for the lost distance. I wasn’t afraid of him. I was afraid of myself succumbing to the guilt and intense feeling he was evoking inside of me. Julien, he didn’t deserve to be hurt, especially by someone as broken as myself. My back hit the windowpane in mere seconds. I couldn’t look him in the eyes. “Then why can’t I bring myself to believe you, huh?” There wasn’t even a second’s delay before he followed his first question with another biting one. “I really took a big chance with my life. If I missed this, I know it won’t come again. Tell me, Eriol, is it worth it?”

The next few minutes were spent in deafening silence. To me, the minutes were lifetimes and light years of confusion and wonderment. It was my opportunity to tell him that I was only using him, that I was taking advantage of his feelings. Instead, I looked away and shrugged before turning to look at the street from my window. I shrugged, why did I do that? Why was I hesitating? Could it be…?

“That’s it? You’re not even going to look at me?” I could feel his eyes on me, though my head was turned away. “You know what? You’re the worst possible person to love. But I love you.” I inhaled sharply. “Why can’t you love me back?”

Because I just couldn’t let go. Because I clung to my past as intensely as you yearned to be in my present and my future. Because I missed Cole more each day. Because you made me forget him every time we were together. “I should’ve done this a long time ago,” I whispered, turning to face him again. He opened his mouth to say something, but I lifted my hand to shush him. I closed my eyes, surprised that they were still dry. When I opened them, he was looking at me with the same attraction and passion surrounding his irises. The soft rays of sunlight passing through the glass panes of the windows danced in his eyes like a pair of wild flames. He was a beautiful person; he didn’t deserve a scarred one like me. And just then, something Cole said made its way to my consciousness. My throat started to close in on itself as I remembered. Was he good enough for me? “Julien,” I mumbled. His gaze became gentle, almost sorrowful. I owed him the truth. “Julien.” I shut my eyes again, and I swear I was about to burst into tears. “I wanted to love you the way I love Cole, but my heart is broken right now. I need time to fix it.” He gave me a pathetic, forced smile, his eyes flooded with held-back tears of his own. “I already gave you a part of me. I want you to have what’s left at the right time.” I turned my face away slightly, my arms dropping limply at my sides.

What he said was the last thing I expected him to say. “What if the right time never comes for us?”

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I'm such a terrible person for ending it there.