stranger \\ cth

"killing me"

hi friends!! 

but anyway that u guys sO MUCH FOR 8k READS IM
SCREEEEEEEEECHING 

no like not even kidding I'm actually screeching holy frack 

but (butt) for any new readers - hello I'm mia and I'm actually six years old ◡̈

alrigjt frens thank u so much I'm sorry for the wait I luv u guys and I'm not dead contrary to common belief !

ps- i listened to johnny boy by twenty one pilots while writing this and it hit me right in the heart so if u want to die i recommend that

-

It's not that Calum wasn't worried about his choices.

Because contrary to what the rest of the band was thinking, Calum was very conscious of his decisions. He knew of the things he was doing to himself. Sure, he was under the influence for almost all of the nights he stayed away from the tour bus. Yeah, his bank account was showing the effects of his actions, with each withdrawal he made to pay for a new hotel room for Molly. Alright, shit was kind of hitting the fan. 

Calum knew how deep the hole was that he dug for himself. He was perfectly aware of the wall that would eventually build itself back up again after this; the wall the Ella tore down in a matter of months. He accepted the shell of a man that would be left behind after all was said and done. 

Since that night, the night he destroyed her, all he wanted to do was destroy himself. He was so goddamn angry at himself. 

How could you do that to the one person who cared?

How could you be such an idiot?

Look at the boys. You know what youre doing to them. You know they're worried for you, and you keep fucking everything up. 

Disappointment. 

Coward. 

Useless, awful, pathetic.

Look what you've become. You're throwing away everything. 

All you had is gone. 

 The voices in his head would eat him alive. "Shut up!" he screamed, eyes clenched tight, body trembling. "Shut the hell up! Get out of my head!" 

Your one chance at doing something right. 

You are a selfish asshole. Just as Ella said. She was right, she was always right. And you lost her. 

Worthless. 

"Stop! Please leave me alone! Please..." Calum's body shook fiercely, as his hands came up to his temples, squeezing at his head as if the pain would make the voices cease. He could no longer see, he could no longer hear, his being went numb. The ringing in his ears grew louder than ever. All he came to know about his surroundings flew out the door and suddenly he didn't know where he was. 

Panic. 

You deserve to feel this way. 

You brought all this pain upon yourself. 

Weak.

Pitiful.

She's better without you.