crushing

Chapter 17

When I was awake, it all seemed different. My world is falling apart, so am I. These dreams are, I don't know how to explain it. But three dreams... they mean something. Lazy ass me doesn't know though. But they do mean something, what better then to look on the internet.
I grabbed my labtop from my nightstand and entered, "strange dreams" into the search bar.
As soon as I hit enter millions of websites popped up and I usually click the one that pops up first which was a psychological website. It was talking about dreams about, like flying, or nightmares, things happening and how they tied to your spirituality. I eventually found tabs that related to the dreams I've been having lately, the first tab was 'self death' and I explained about witnessing a funeral about you. As I continued reading my eyes grew wide. That dream was suppose to mean, that your soul is uneasy or your body and brain are preparing. That really freaked me out. Preparing for death? I'm not ready. I'm not even close to wanting to be dead, I have so much ahead of me that I want to accomplish. I pushed that dream to the back of my head and looked up things for like two guys. Apparently it's crushing. Like I dreamt about Duncan and Brian, I dreamt about them. The explanation says that when I developed feelings... Feelings?! I closed my labtop and set it on my nightstand. God my head hurts, there's so much going on and swirling in my brain, my brain will probably turn into some stupid soup.
These dreams, so they do have a meaning. I looked through my nightstand and found an empty notebook and pen. I titled it, "Dreams," No author name. Just a little journal to record these dreams. And interpret them somehow.
I set it on my nightstand, and looked outside. It's dark, so I must have slept for hours and what sucks is that I can't sleep now. I checked the alarm clock, 12:48. Darn, school's gonna start in like 7 hours. I can't fall asleep now. Well maybe if I try but I'm wide awake, and I do not feel like dealing with those weird dreams right now.
I checked my phone, weird Duncan texted me, and not long ago.
Duncan: these meds are heeeeyyyy

I gave a confused look, what pain killers did they give him?

Me: Duncan your high

Duncan: pshuhs lieeerreeew
That idiot can't even type right.

Me: stupid, try and get some sleep butt face

Duncan: Nikki Manaj

Me:What?

Duncan: I've got a penny in my pockets, I'm riiiiiiiiich

Me:GO TO SLEEP

Duncan: 😲 how rude

I rolled my eyes. How did he even get his phone? He's still in critical condition. Anything can happen, realistic wise. But he needs to take it slow and try not to move to much. I think I've had those meds, they made me all wonky and stuff, like I couldn't wrap my head around the simplest things. Like my parents asked, "How are you feeling honey?" And I answered, "Yes."
Pretty stupid, am I right? My parents laughed at me and then I started crying, why? That was when I was 10 because my toy bear fell on the ground and I couldn't reach it.
I had a hard childhood, imagine being this energetic kid, who finds a lump on their hip and then suddenly is always in bed and has needles and machines hooked up to them. It wasn't really a childhood if you ask me, while other kids were outside playing at the park, especially during summer. I would hear their laughter and I wished I was the one on those monkey bars. Nope I was the bald kid sitting in bed eating gummy bears while watching spongebob. Of course when my chemo ended I was allowed outside with a surgical mask though and when we went to the park it was like I was on a frenzy. But then shortly after I would get tired and feel dizzy and then my hip would hurt so I was stuck on the bed again. It isn't fun.
Recalling my childhood made me wish I never got cancer, so I could have that childhood back. I could be happy and healthy on holidays and not worry about vomiting, and spl- wait. Where has my cancer spread to? I know I got emails from the doctor but I haven't looked at them.
I imminently grabbed my phone with the sick feeling of worry and panic, I needed to check my scans, what if they spread to my brain? I looked at the emails and sure enough they were sent and I viewed them. I think the tumor has only grown but my brain seems clean... well yeah.
I was releived, it hasn't spread there. If it did, they would have to stop treatment and I would be put under hospice. Which would mean I die slowly. Still the tumor is spreading and it's worrying. What if it gets to big and they have to like, amputated it?
I shook my head ignoring it. They would have to cut off my hip, that's stupid Aspen, but possible.
Honestly the thing I hate most about cancer is when I went for a- eh I forgot. But they hammered a huge needle in my hip and it felt like getting a broken bone which sucked but it hurt so bad. Everytime my mom took me to the hospital to get that done when the nurse called my name I would be gone and they would look all over the hospital to find me. I've completed 13 out of 34 chemo treatments and 15 out of 20 radiation treatments. But those numbers might change and my doctors are probably discussing my treatment options.
I remember the first week of chemo was the worst, constant pain. When my mom crawled in bed I would cry in pain. She would try cuddling but I cried harder. Even when she breathed it hurt, it was constant pain and I was always laying uncomfortably.
I looked up, it was night and late but I didn't feel like sleeping. I looked around the room for things to use to procrastinate. Doodling, nah. Netflix sure. Eating, yes duh. I turned on my TV and put it on low volume. Right now I'm still recovering from my last round of chemo so I taped police tape around the outside of my door saying: CAUTION! QUARANTINE ZONE!
My parents got a kick out of it so now they use those grabber claw things that old people use to give me stuff. I have a bathroom in my room so I'm good on higene.
But for now all I can do is wait...