crushing

Chapter 18

I didn't sleep that night and I felt nauseous in the morning. My eyelids were heavy, my entire body was sore and everything hurt. I laid in my covers staring up at the ceiling. Chemo sucks, especially the recovery because my immune system is so low I have to stay away from my family and their germs. I still get sick, a nauseous feeling that is stabbing me in the gut.
Right now I really wish I could be at school to see Bailey, Gigi, Riley and Britt. Brian and Duncan I just want to be with them but I can't. I'm locked up in my room and sick, sore. My port really hurts, it hurts everytime they stick a needle in it. And it's under my skin, it just sucks... I'm tired of feeling like this all the time but that shouldn't stop me from being me.
I wrapped myself tighter within the blankets, I was cold and I had my beanie on because my head was cold.
I listened to my clock ticking softly like someone tapping on the window. I did glance to my side and peer out the window but saw nobody. It kinda disappointed me, was I expecting Brain to be pelting my window with rocks and I open it up and then he randomly pulls out a guitar and sings a cheesy love song? No, this is reality not some stupid love story. Reality is I'm dying, and I'm sick.
I frowned, I really hate this I want to go out and be with family. I want my hair back. When I looked at my old photos before I was diagnosed I had long thick black hair almost to my waist, naturally wavey. Now it's nothing... my eye brows are growing back and so are my eyelashes. They fell out during treatment.
I moved a bit and groaned in pain, my hip hurts. All around and my back, arms and legs. Like I'm paralyzed and every movement sends shooting pain.
I can't sit up, I can't organize my room, I can't stretch I can't dance I can't be with my friends. So many can'ts, and not enough cans. I can breath and I can blink, I can think. Congratulations me you've been able to do that all your life. It's 10:34 and I'm already wanting the day to be over. I really wanna sleep but I can't stand those dreams. They make me afraid that I could die in my sleep. Then I'll be gone and can't tell people goodbye.
It's not really a goodbye though. Maybe a see you later. Because when I go to heavan and it's their time, I'll see them, maybe. There is no cancer in heavan and there is no pain. I'll have all my hair and not have to worry.
I can't leave just now, I won't take the easy way out. I'll fight till it's over, but I'll still win. People will announce that I lost my battle no I didn't lose, cancer just didn't want me anymore.
These thoughts of death keep me occupied and I took out a seperate journal labeled Gone. I picked up a pen and began writting:
I often think how people will react when I'm gone. They'll be sad of course but they'll also be mad that this had to happen. I'm not scared to die because right when we're born we're destined to die. I've never had trouble thinking about it. I'm open talking about it which I think is odd... but if my parents find this when I'm gone I wanna say this. At my funeral I want to be cremated, decorate my jar with sparkles. Wear bright clothing and not black. I want all my friends there, and I want floating lanterns to be released after the ceremony. I understand people are gonna be crying, so like give them scented tissues or something.
I decided to stop writing, my hand was staring to cramp already and the grip I held on the pen was painful.
I still felt sick, and I wanted to lie down but I still don't want those dreams, no. However I do know that if I want this recovery to go by faster I should sleep.
I shook my head. I need to get rid of these thoughts. I don't need those dreams in my head trying to make sense of what's going on in the world. In my messed up life.
My parents think I'm strong, that I'm a fighter. That's not what I feel today. I feel like I'm not myself, knock knock sorry Aspen ain't here it's just misery. It makes me feel bad, because on social media is inspired so many people and here I am thinking about my own death. I have a therapist and I see her sometimes but I don't like going there so I try to keep my head strait myself.
I laid down in my bed, haven't opened up any social media for a while. I unlocked my phone and scrolled through all my news feed. Usually when people comment something I'll smile, instead I stared at my screen blankly. It feels like I gave up to my fight. I think I did because I'm waiting to die and it just be over with. My blog, it blew up people asking where I am, and how I'm doing so I decided to answer the call.
Hey guys, I understand that I haven't been on social media or a while and I hope you understand this, I don't feel good. This round of chemo is kicking my ass. I already threw up a couple times today and my entire body aches. Usually I would stretch or dance, something active but I haven't moved or got up from my bed. I kinda feel like I gave up I'm just not feeling like myself, so hope your day is better then mine.
Typically I write quotes at the end or something inspirational. But no, I didn't I just left it.
My stomach hurt, and I was curled up in a ball in fetal position. One more day? Tomorrow? Who knows when this will end...