My Heart Remembers Differently

IT ALL COMES CRUMBLING DOWN

"Granger, did you drink too much pumpkin juice last night?"  Draco asked me when I dropped my books for the third time on my way to breakfast.  I shook my head and picked them up once more.  He scoffed and went around me to the stairwell.  I walked down the stairs trying to not think.  That was quite a feat for me to accomplish.

I sat with my back to the room in the Great Hall.  I didn't look around, nor did I eat anything other than a piece of dry toast that kept getting stuck when I swallowed and I am now on my third cup of tea. 

"Ms. Granger, I trust you are well?"  I jump when Professor McGonagall speaks behind me.  She looks at me through her bifocals as if trying to read my mind.

"Yes, Professor."  I choked out. 

"I wonder if you would consider some private tutorials from Professor Tonks.  I am considering removing you from Fraudulent Studies.  I think your focus could be better assigned."  Professor McGonagall was asking me what I thought about the night.  I had forgot for the moment.  I knew that I needed to make a decision. 

"My memory is trying to come back, Professor."  I tell her.  She seems as taken aback as I was when I said it.  Had I really wanted anyone to know?  Then I wondered if she knew what Harry had been hiding.

"Madame Pomfrey informed me you had ceased taking the potion.  Very well, Ms. Granger.  Don't force them to return, we don't want your brains scrambled.  Let me know soon about the classes."  She said.

"I can let you know now, Professor."  I tell her knowing I have made up my mind.  She raises an eyebrow.  "Yes.  I find Professor Tonks a very gifted instructor.  I think I would very much enjoy learning from her."  I tell her.  Professor McGonagall looks pleased and gifted me with a rare smile.

"I will make the arrangement, Ms. Granger."  She said.  I nodded and tried to offer a smile.  Professor McGonagall looked undecided for a moment.  "Perhaps you should explain to Professor Tonks about your headaches.  She may be able to help you find the correct...healing spell."  Professor McGonagall said.  "Good day."  She walked away and I sat like a statue for all of one solid moment.

Then I left my uneaten breakfast, grabbed my books and took off through the halls to Professor Tonks office. 

She was pleased to see me.  She welcomed me in and soundproofed her office.  Neither of us considered that her first class was in less than a half hour. 

"You have decided to join haven't you?"  Professor Tonks asked. 

"Yes.  First, I need to talk to you about my memories."  I tell her.  She frowned and leaned against her desk.  "You know I was in an accident where I died and was brought back to life by some very talented Healers.  I don't remember the accident.  I don't remember how it happened, and I am sure that what I have been told is not the full story."  I tell her.

"How can I help you?"  She asked sounding a little confused. 

"I have been having flashes of memory always with blinding headaches.  This morning I had one out of nowhere and it knocked me out for a moment.  My nose was bleeding when I came to."  I tell her.  A realization came to her eyes. 

"Someone has done a very sloppy job at trying to block your memories."  Professor Tonks said quietly.  "I have seen this done before.  You haven't pushed against the barrier very hard have you?  If you did there could be a lot of damage."  She tells me very seriously.

"So I have heard."  I mutter.  "Is there any hope?  Professor McGonagall said to tell you about it."  I tell her.  She crossed her arms and studied me for a long moment.

"I will have to perform legilimency on you, Hermione.  It is not something that is very comfortable."  Professor Tonks said.

"Penn, knowing that something is blocked inside of me is uncomfortable.  Having blinding headaches come out of nowhere, that is uncomfortable.  I am willing to do anything to feel like I am not missing a part of myself."  I tell her.

"Do you know who did this to you?"  She asked with a concerned look.

"Harry Potter."  I said quietly.   Professor Tonks began to look unsure.  "I am sure he has what he thinks of as a good reason, but the memories are coming back and I am in so much pain when they do."  I explain.  She sighs and tilts her head.

"Fine."  She waves her wand and I am lying on the couch she had conjured before.  "It is going to feel weird when I began.  Try not to fight me."  She tells me.  I nod and suddenly I feel her in my mind. 

I struggle when my memories of last night came back, then my discussion with Harry a few nights before.  She shuffled through my mind like she was searching through files.  Then I am in the courtyard with Harry the first day of classes for this year.  The awkward moment that confused me.  I heard myself whimper before she blew past the memories of my recuperation to the one of me waking up with Ron holding my hand in the hospital.

Suddenly, she was thrown out of my head and we both were left sweating profusely and breathing heavily.  Professor Tonks conjured two towels and tossed one at me before wiping her own face and neck.  She was frowning and mumbling to herself. 

"Give me a moment."  She said and took a deep breath and walked out of her office.  I hear her giving instructions to the class.  If my head didn't hurt so badly, I might have giggled when I her hear instruct them all to go to the library and look up the repercussions of an Obliviate Charm gone really bad.  She shut the door behind her and I heard the locks engage.

"Hermione, I think I can do this."  She tells me sitting down in the armchair.  I sit up on my elbows.  "For you to consider that Harry attempted this is huge.  He is a part of the Underground.  That is the name of the society, by the way.  Just know that whatever he has made you forget had to be for your own good or what he considered the best idea for you.  One more thing, someone else knows about this.  Shacklebolt for one.  Perhaps McGonagall.  Every member of the Underground has to take an oath and drink veriterserum before answering a interrogator and a witness.  Even the Chosen One."  She informed me. 

"With the flashes of memory I am having, I may know his reasoning, Penn.  I don't understand why he would result to something like this, but I know Harry.  He was probably doing it to protect me or a lot of other people from the truth."  I tell her solemnly. 

"For the love of Merlin, don't try to push past that barrier."  She said in warning.  "Since McGonagall is the one that sent you to me, she must believe you have the right to know, too.  So, get ready for some major pain, Granger."  She warned me.  I braced myself, but nothing happened.  I relaxed and she spoke the one spell I wasn't prepared for.