My Heart Remembers Differently

Flashes

I call out to Hagrid when I am almost across the courtyard.  He turns from giving Grawp directions to look at me.  Then a blinding pain once again shoots through my brain and I hear him call for me as I collapsed against the cold stone of the courtyard.

"Hermione, no!"

"I am through, Harry!" 

"Hermione, please! "

"I will not live a lie.  This is too big.  This is my life!"

I awake with a gasp and a pounding headache.  I look around and once more find myself in the hospital wing.  The bitter taste of healing potions is on my tongue.  I reach up to hold my head with a groan.  Not again. 

Despite the pain it gives me I allow the flashes of memories to go over and over in my mind.  What did it mean?  What was Harry and I talking about?  I whimper when the pain becomes overbearing and curl up on my side, tears landing on the pillow underneath my head.

"Ms. Granger, I am busy trying to gather supplies for another year here at Hogwarts.  Do you think I have time to keep watching over you?"  Madame Pomfrey asked as she placed a tray on the bedside table.  I looked up at her with tear-filled eyes.  She clucked her tongue and brushed back my hair more tenderly than her irritated tone had perceived.  "You head is bothering you.  Oh, I am sure you are running around the castle and probably have read fifty books by now.  You have to let your mind heal, too."  She said softly.  She gave me a kind smile and reached for a potion.  "Drink it all."  She instructed as I tried to swallow the thick liquid that tasted a little like spoiled milk.

"Why do I keep having these headaches, Madame?  Do you think that my memories could be coming back?"  I asked hopefully.  Madame Pomfrey seemed to consider my question for a moment before answering.

"The healer from St. Mungo's wasn't sure if you had a severe head injury or someone had cursed you.  My dear, you were so far gone, I was worried we would lose you before we could completely heal you."  Madame Pomfrey turned away from my searching eyes, but not before I could tell she was still shocked by my injuries.  Had it been any worse than having a hospital wing full of petrified people?  She turned back with a slight frown.  "I know you are curious about those missing memories, but they need to stay were they are until you are strong enough to handle them.  Obviously, you are hurting yourself trying to figure everything out.  Ms. Granger, you are bright enough to break through any curse, but to do so right now may mean you end up in St. Mungo's for the rest of your life because you have made your brain explode."  Madame Pomfrey said in a very serious tone.  I remembered seeing the vacant stares of the patients in the hospital that had suffered brain injuries and confundus charms.  Not to mention Neville Longbottom's parents who had endured the cruciatus curse. 

"How do I stop?"  I whispered, real fear making me ask, though another part of me wanted to press on.  I knew that Harry was keeping something from me and I know that it was life-altering.

"I will give you a potion that you need to take everyday.  It will heal your brain and make you accept not knowing what you have forgotten.  Perhaps one day your memories will completely unlock.  Until then, you need to stop stressing the memory part of your brain."  Madame Pomfrey said.  I nodded and realized whatever the potion she had just given me, I was fighting to stay awake.  "Good.  Now, I will work on the potion but you need to rest.  I will be keeping you a few days, Ms. Granger and you will be sleeping a lot."  She warned.  I think I nodded, but I am pretty sure I was asleep when I did so.

The next few days, Madame Pomfrey did indeed keep me in a sleep state.  I am aware of the noises of the castle repairing itself, whispers from visitors and waking only long enough to drink potion after potion.

Despite the healing that was taking place inside of my head, the dreams did not stop.  I still found myself in front of that door in my mind.  I still heard the whispers of my name.  Sometimes the voice was sad and filled with longing.  This made me wake with tears falling down my face.  Other times, the voice was screaming my name in fear.  I usually awoke with a gasp from the feeling of falling from a great height in my dream.  Other times I heard the voice calling my name like I was the most precious thing on their mind and in their heart. 

No amount of potion stopped the dreams. 

I don't know how many days I floated in and out of consciousness, but I woke one night to someone holding my hand.  I could not make my eyelids open to see who it was.  All I know is that night the music came to my dreams to accompany the voice that whispered my name.