My Heart Remembers Differently

PAINFUL REFLECTIONS

I am sobbing into a pillow that I am not sure if Penn has conjured, I have conjured or a house elf has brought.  The one thing that Penn left me before she went to teach her class was a pot full of hot chocolate.

"This will help with the feeling of being attacked.  I need to teach my classes, but all you have to do is call.  I will be right here, Hermione.  Have all the privacy you need."  She tells me. 

I don't know if I answered her back.  I was too busy crying at the pain in my heart.  Not all of my memories had resurfaced.  Somewhere during the screaming pain, and the sobbing I had heard her explain that some of the memories would come like a flood and some more casually like I had never forgotten them and they were just a part of me.  I saw the compassion in her eyes.  She had seen more than I had remembered. 

Just the memory of the night Harry and I had first kissed and first confessed out love had almost ripped my heart from my chest.  Even though I had not remembered, I know that it obviously didn't end well.  Thinking back to the flashes of argument Harry and I had, he probably decided that we would hurt too many people by continuing on. 

It was one of those casual remembrances where I knew that he did not love Ginny.  I remember that conversation.  The whole conversation, not the flash of one that I had the other night when Ginny had screamed at him in front of the whole school because he would not take his position as Seeker on the Quidditch team. 

"I thought I loved her.  I did, Hermione.  Just like you with Ron.  We were actually happy for a few weeks.  Then one day I came into the common room right after Dumbledore was murdered and I saw her cutting our the article about his death with the picture of me weeping over him and her holding me.  I said nothing as I watched her paste the article into this thick scrapbook.  I ran back up stairs and grabbed my invisibility cloak.  When someone got her attention I took the scrapbook into the corner of the common room and looked through it.  I realized that Ginny didn't really love me.  She loved Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived.  The famous wizard boy who was now called The Chosen One." 

Harry and I had moved the camp the night before and were now on the coast.  It was still cold, but the sun shone more here and we sat on the rocky beach and held hands as the fish that Harry had caught slowly spun on a spit over a real fire. 

"How do you know that her love hadn't matured for you, Harry?"  I asked looking at the solemn boy beside me that had become a man overnight because of the title "Chosen One".  I was still awed at my feelings for him.  I am still realizing that perhaps I have loved him all along and had never allowed myself to feel more than friendship because we were so close.

"When the Minister of Magic came to read Dumbledore's will, she was angry that I would not become the Ministry's poster boy.  Her argument was that I needed to be seen, I was a ray of hope for the people who were scared.  She said, "I will come with you, Harry.  We will do this together." Harry shook his head.  "I had broke things off before we left Hogwarts for the summer.  I knew that I needed to have a clear head and not be worried about maintaining a relationship long distance when I went to search for the Horcruxes."  Harry said.  "What I found is, although I cared a great deal about Ginny, I was not in love with her.  Ron accused me of not thinking about how our being gone so long is affecting her.  I admit, Hermione, Ginny has not crossed my mind."  He confesses.

"I don't care that you are the Chosen One, Harry.  I wished you weren't."  I told him.  He leaned over and brushed a soft kiss on my lips.

"I know, Hermione."  He said with a smile.  "It has been excruciating for me to watch you grieve for Ron these past few weeks."

"I wasn't.  I was sad at first.  Then, I realized I wasn't in love with him, either."  I said.  "I have been quiet, I know.  Like you, I keep thinking about the various ways to destroy the Horcrux and how to find others."  I tell him.  "Harry, I think I have been in love with you for a while.  I had a different idea what love was suppose to be and thought that it was only friendship I was feeling.  A deep friendship.  Realizing that I was in love with my best friend wasn't easy.  I have always loved you.  Now, I know that it was more."  I say knowing that I cannot put to words how I felt. 

I have been afraid of the day that Voldemort would either find us or we would have no choice but to face him.  Now, I am more terrified because of the horrible idea that keeps playing in my mind.  I don't want to consider what I think I know.  Entertaining the thought that Harry's life may be the only way to defeat Voldemort makes me want to run blindly into the water screaming. 

I realize that this is an adult feeling of love.  I know that the possible outcome of my loving Harry Potter is that I will have to let him face Voldemort alone and that it may mean I lose what I love the most.  I just want to love him as much as I can while I can.

I reach up and pull his face towards me and kiss him with everything I feel.  I knew that every touch and every moment would be a memory that is seared into my heart.  I whisper my love for him and he whispers it back to me as we spend the afternoon, not thinking about anything but exploring our feelings for each other.

I realize that I have fallen asleep on the couch in Professor Tonks' office.  My eyes feel swollen, my throat aches from weeping so hard into the pillow I am still hugging close to my heart as if to cushion the pain that is there.  I have not remembered why Harry had tried to take these memories away.  I needed to confront him.  I needed to look into his eyes. 

I pushed off the couch and made use of the bathroom just off the office and washed my face.  I didn't look at my reflection.  I dared not.  I knew what I looked like after weeping.  I didn't care if I was a hideously red-nosed mess that should not show my face in public. 

I opened the office door and was grateful that the classroom was empty.  Professor Tonks was sitting at one of the students desks writing on a piece of parchment.  She looked up when I started down the stone stairs.

"Hermione, how are you feeling?"  She asked frowning when she saw my face. 

"I need to talk to him."  I said quietly.  She nodded in understanding.

"Go to the clock tower.  I will find him and send him to you."  She said quietly.  I said nothing, just made my way out of the classroom.

The halls were empty.  I realized that it must be lunch time or dinner time, though the sun had broke out from the earlier cloudy skies and seemed to mock me and my shattered heart.  I took my time climbing the stairs and going down the halls.  I finally made it to the clock tower and realized that Harry was already there.

He was staring out over the grounds at Hogwarts.  I remember the last time we had stood here together.  I was assuring him that Ron was okay with him and Ginny being a couple.  We watched the phoenix Faux fly around the perimeters of Hogwarts with his great, sorrowful song of grief for Dumbledore.  I felt like I could still hear Faux's song in my heart for what I had lost.

I took a sobbing breath and Harry turned to look at me with eyes reflecting the same pain I was feeling in my heart.