My Heart Remembers Differently

Am I Still Broken?

I am not sure that I as ready to leave the hospital wing as Madame Pomfrey assures me that I am.  No matter how many potions she has poured down my throat or spells she had spoken over my healing body, I still feel...wrong.

I move slowly down the hall with Ron supporting me with a strong arm.  He has sat with me everyday for a week, but we have not talked about anything in depth except life before this past year and the war.  We reminisced about our former school years and lessons.  We laughed over silly things and more innocent times before we realized that Voldemort was really trying to kill our best friend.  When we were just learning about magic and spells.  Not searching for the Sorcerer's stone, or finding out the truth about the Chamber of Secrets...  We pretended the past week that our time here at Hogwarts was normal.  I feel like pretending was the safest thing to do.

There was something in Ron's eyes that made me feel uneasy.  I hated not being about to remember what happened after he left the tent that night.  At the same time I am relieved that I don't remember what happened to put that look in Ron's eyes. 

I remember thinking that my heart would break in two when he started snogging Lavender Brown in our sixth year.  I loved him.  I thought we were moving in the same direction before he walked out of that tent and disaperated.  I saw the angry jealousy in his eyes just before he left.  My last memory is of me crying into my pillow in the tent and then...nothing. 

Why was Ron here and where was Harry.  I need to talk to Harry.  I need to hear his side of the story.  What had happened?  Why can't I remember?  Why do I no longer feel the constant longing in my heart for Ron that I have been feeling the past couple of years when I realized he could be more than he considered himself capable of? 

"Hermione, remember what Madame Pomfrey said about not getting too excited.  You still need to take it easy."  Ron said pausing in front of what used to be the Gryffindor common room.  The painting was gone and now only a burned out door was visible. 

"I know.  Maybe I should have stayed a few more days."  I relented.  Ron helped me though the portal and we are inside of the common room where I had curled up on the couch in front of the fire and read so many books. 

It wasn't the same.  The tables were broken and the couch had been burned to a husk.  The Gryffindor banners had also been ripped and burned.  I wanted to cry.  This room had been my home just as much as my parents' house.  More so in so many ways.  Now my parents have no idea that I exist and over the past week I have made the decision to keep them in the dark.  When I consider how easily it would have been for a Death Eater to kill them to get to me, I know I never want their lives at stake because of me.  I comfort myself with the thought of one day searching for them to make sure they are well and happy.  Sometime in the future.  Maybe if I ever remember what happened to me.

"Seamus said that the Death Eaters had destroyed the common room long before the battle took place.  The Gryffindors were targeted while Voldemort had control of Hogwarts."  Ron said rubbing a hand on the back of his neck as he looked around.  He offered me a small smile.  "The castle is still rebuilding itself.  I am amazed how much it already is back together.  Old McGonnagall said that she thought it would be ready in time for a new batch of First Years to be sorted in a month or so."  Ron said looking around the room with a little doubt in his eyes.  He shrugged and looked back at me.  "I did make sure the sleeping areas were habitable.  Or, at least Ginny did before she went home with Mom and Dad."   Ron said and then turned red.

I didn't know that Ginny was still at Hogwarts.  Had she been to see me before I woke up?  What about Mr. and Mrs. Weasley?  Had I done something to anger them?  Ginny was my friend.  Had I made everyone angry?  Only Ron had stayed with me. 

"Come on, Hermione.  Let's get you up to the dorm."  Ron said helping me with the stairs.  I paused in front of the girl's dorm and smiled at him, though I could feel my mouth wobbling a little.

"Are you heading to the Burrows?"  I asked before opening the door.  Ron shuffled from foot to foot.

"I need to get home and be with Mom and Dad.  I will be back.  Professor McGonnagall said that I was welcome back to visit with you while I am trying to decide if I want to actually come back to complete my seventh year. "  Ron said looking at the chipped rock wall beside of me instead of looking at me.  What did he want?  Did he want me to beg him to stay?  Did I want him to stay?

"Go."  I tell him, pushing him a little.  "I am going to lay down.  I will be fine."  I assure him.  I try to smile to show him I am fine, but I am not sure how convincing my smile is.  I am a little surprised when he presses a kiss to my cheek before turning and walking away.  I stand completely still wondering why I wasn't happy that the boy I have loved for the past few years just showed that he cared. 

I take a shaky breath and open the dorm room door.  It looks the same as the last time I was here.  Except cleaner and empty.  All except my old bed was still bare of bedclothes.  I made my way to my bed and was happy to see my old school trunk was sitting at the foot of the bed.  I opened it and found my wand on top of my old school books and a couple of robes.  I found my gown and discarded the night robe I had worn from the hospital and redressed into something that didn't smell like the healing potions that Madame Pomfrey had been treating me with.  I grab my old runes textbook and crawled into my bed in the quiet bedchamber thinking to read for a little while.

Instead I lay the book on the nightstand, grasp my wand in my hand and curl up under the familiar weight of the bedclothes.  A single tear falls down my face.  Soon I am sobbing into my pillow much like the last memory I have before my life goes blank in my mind.  I am not crying because Ron left.  I am not sure why I am crying.  

Once again, as I have for the past week since I awoke in the hospital wing, I try to remember what happened.  Nothing.  Well, nothing but a pounding headache and my heart feeling like it is broken.  No, more than my heart.  Maybe it is actually me that is broken.