My Heart Remembers Differently

Some things I have forgotten

Ron had been gone for weeks.  My tears had long ceased and now I was asking myself why I had cried in the first place.  Harry was quiet.  He grew more quiet when he wore the Horcrux.  I had noticed I grew more morose when I wore the necklace that contained a small part of Voldemort's soul.  Instead of the constant droning of the missing reports that Ron had listened to day in and day out, Harry had shut the radio off first thing after Ron had left.  Sometimes the silence was louder than the radio had ever been.    

We weren't speaking very much, something that is unusual from Harry and I.  I could feel this tension that I did not understand between us.  I know we are both frustrated.  We have one Horcrux needing to be destroyed and no way to destroy it.  We have tried every spell we knew .  Nothing has worked.

  Today, after a breakfast of stale crackers, Harry decided to make a supply run, which I hated when he did.  The chance of him being caught was so much higher than if I went by myself.  I was worried to the point of wanting to scream.  What if the snatchers found him?  What if I am left all alone in these freezing woods?  No matter how many times I built up the fire, we are so cold.  I miss the Black house.  I miss having a roof over our heads that wasn't made of cloth.  I wanted to be in my dorm room at Hogwarts and all of this be some horrible nightmare.

I want Harry to come back so I can breathe a little easier.

Ron was gone.  I realize a few weeks ago my feelings for him has been those of a young girl.  I knew what he could be.  Ron had never had confidence in himself and that made me want to fight for him even if what I was fighting against was his own low self-esteem.  His jealousy made me realize that he felt something for me.  I had been uncomfortable since he woke up in the hospital the year before calling out to me like I was his lifeline.  I had ignored those feelings and thought I cared more than I really did.  I was just glad that Lavender Brown was out of the picture and the three of us, Harry, Ron and I could go back to being the trio we had been for the past six years.  

I braved the cold wind and walked outside of the tent.  A light snow had started to fall.  How long had Harry been gone?  I heard the loud snap of someone disapperating and searched the woods for Harry or an intruder.  I saw him frowning at the edge of the protection charm.  I ran to the border and opened only that small space.  He smiled at me when he saw me and held up a bag of groceries.  I pulled into the protective spell and quickly sealed the break before turning and throwing myself into his arms.

"I was so scared."  I said and was a little embarrassed to realize I was crying.  Harry's arms tightened around me.

"I promised I would be right back, Hermione."  He said stroking my back as if to comfort me.

"You have been gone hours."  I say and pull back from him.  He reached up with a cold finger brushed the tear that ran down my face.

"I promised."  He reminded me, again.  "Come on, I have some soup.  I am starved."  He said.  I follow him back to the tent and take the bag of food from him and put it away.  I leave a couple of cans out to warm over the fire.  Harry is standing with his back to me warming his hands.  I start back towards him and stop when a strange thought hits me.

As much as I would love a warm bed and a hot shower, I would rather be here with Harry than anywhere else.  I am frozen to the spot.  Not because of the cold air that surrounds us but by my thoughts.  

No.  No.  This wasn't right.  Harry was my best friend.  This was a weird thought because the cold air has affected my brain.  I shake my head and start supper.

An hour later, Harry has turned on the radio.  After weeks without hearing the constant drone and static of the missing report, the sound is loud.  Harry fiddles with the dial until music comes from the speakers.  I am sitting in the chair trying to read the book that Dumbledore left me in his will, but my mind is on my thoughts before.  I am unsure of what they mean, though I remind myself that I am too smart not to understand.  The truth is I am not sure what to do with what I suspect is happening.  

"Dance with me."  Harry says breaking me out of my thoughts.  I shake my head.  He holds out his hand impatiently.  "Come on, Hermione.  I need a partner."  He says.  I have to prove to myself that my thoughts are silly.  It is only because we are here in this frozen landscape as if we are the only two people left on the planet.  Right?  I take his hand and he pulls me up and into his arms.  

I am not big on dancing.  Viktor Krum is the only boy I have ever really danced with.  Harry twirls me and I can't help but laugh.  He smiles and does it again.  I lose my footing and fall against him .  Harry pulls me to an upright position and puts his arm around my waist as we sway to the music.  Maybe it is the feeling of needing to believe I am alive, or that someone else sees me.  I wrap my arms around him neck and he holds me tight against him and we barely sway to the beat of the song.  

I feel his warm breath on my neck.  I shiver in his arms.  His arms...  Have I ever felt so warm?  So secure?  Like I have found the perfect place to be?

The song ends and I push away and turn around.  I step out of the tent.  I need air.  I need to get away from these feelings.  Yes, feelings.

I think I am in love with my best friend.  

My tears freeze to my cheeks.  I stare into the dark night, the snow is falling harder now.  I know that I do not have the Horcrux on me.  It is in the tent on the table where we both could see it.  This is really inside of me.  No.  

"Hermione?"  Harry comes outside, his face lit by the burning lamps inside of the tent.  I see the concern on his face.  I look away before he could read what was in my eyes.  "Come back inside."  He urges. 

"I need to breathe."  I whisper.  I hear the snap of the bramble on the floor of the forest when he steps near me.  He reaches out and turns my face towards him.  I will not look up.  I can't.  If I do there is no going back for either of us.  How awkward it would be for him to know that I love him and we are stuck together.  

"Hermione."  He says again.  I couldn't stop the soft sobbing breath I took.  His other hand pulls me towards him and then he cups my face.  How can I not look up?

"Harry."  My whisper is cut off by his warm, soft mouth.  I stop breathing for a moment wondering if I have inadvertently cast a love spell.  Did I even know how to cast a love spell?  

My first kiss with Viktor was hard, surprising and I had a bruise on my arm where he had grabbed me that afternoon.  Harry was gentle.  His touch was warm.  I flowed into him and suddenly the soft kiss turned to something else and we were straining to get closer to each other.

We were both covered with snow when we finally pulled away.  His eyes searched mine and I looked up at him searching his eyes just as hard.  What was happening?  Why did it feel so...right?

"Come inside."  He said.  I nodded, my eyes not leaving his.  We walked into the tent both shivering from the cold and we shed our damp coats and sat by the fire together.  He pulled me in his arms once again and held me as we stared into the pretty flames that I had conjured.  

"Do I need to apologize?"  He finally asked.  

"Do I?"  I asked softly.  

"No.  I know that I will have to face Voldemort, Hermione.  I am sure of it.  Facing him and dying does not scare me as much as the thought of not holding you tonight.  I thought that I loved Ginny.  I realize that I have never felt as deeply for her as I do for you.  Does that scare you?"  He asked me softly.

"No."  I said looking up at him.  He kissed me again softly.  "This doesn't even feel strange, Harry."  I whisper.  He pressed another kiss to my forehead and once again we sat together and looked into the fire. 

I was in love with my best friend and he was in love with me.