{4th august 2013}
dear jen,
i'm staying up later every night (or is it earlier?) but i mean really who gives a shit come on now
i've also consumed more alcohol in the past few weeks than i have in my whole seventeen years of living but who gives a shit about that either
this is changing the topic with a disgusting amount of unsubtlety but i really wish you and joe would grow the fuck up and stop arguing
not to sound selfish or anything but you two have been spending so much time arguing over really stupid things and doing not much else that i've accepted that i am friendless and have taken to having conversations with my walls that sound like this
me:
wall:
me: hot today, right?
wall:
me: yep, nothing like a summer so hot you can barely move.
wall:
me:
wall:
me: god, you know what? i just wanna get laid.
wall:
me: i feel like i need to get laid. i've drunken alcohol, i've done drugs...
wall:
me: only once, though.
wall:
me: yeah, didn't like it much. plus the idea of practically killing your lungs and whatever other bloody parts of your body with every drag of the goddamn thing isn't exactly appealing.
wall:
me:
wall:
me: anyway.
me: done the drugs, done the drink, now i need to do the deed.
wall:
me: complete the holy trinity, as it were.
wall:
me: plus i'd probably feel better. you know, about life.
wall:
me: in general.
wall:
me: nothing like an earth-shattering orgasm to make you forget about dead best friends, am i right?
wall:
wall:
me: am i right, ladies?
wall:
wall two:
wall three:
wall four:
me: okay, no.
me: not like i'd know.
wall:
me: about earth-shattering orgasms, i mean.
me:
wall:
me:
wall:
(i take a swig of the nondescript wine bottle beside me.)
me: i need to get laid.
me: but i don't want to get laid for the sake of getting laid.
wall:
me: yeah, okay, i did just spend the past ten minutes telling you otherwise.
wall:
me: you're a fucking wall.
wall:
me:
wall:
me: fuck.
(i take another sip from the wine bottle.)
me: okay, okay, so here's the thing.
me: i wanna get laid, right?
me: but half of me wants to get laid just for the sake of it and the other half just wants to find someone i really like and just have sex with them, you know?
wall:
me: like a normal person does. normal people have sex with people they like, right?
wall:
me: yeah.
me: but there's still the part that's like fuck it, i'll have sex with anyone. so when i see someone and i think god i want to fuck you -
wall:
me: oh, come on, we all think like that sometimes.
wall:
me: i'm a teenager, for god's sake.
wall:
me: whatever.
me: so i think that and then i can't tell whether i want the sex for the sex or i want the sex for them. so i just don't go for the sex at all.
me: and joe's all like 'everyone knows you could get laid fucking easy so quit messing around' but it's easy for him because he has a girlfriend to get laid with and he already knows he likes her so it's okay to want to have sex with her just for the sex because they've already established that he likes her.
me: i mean i guess i could have no strings attached sex but i kind of feel like i'll get attached to them.
wall:
me: especially if they make me have an earth-shattering orgasm.
wall:
me: i'll owe them big time for that.
wall:
wall:
wall:
me: you're a really good listener, you know that?
wall:
me: ha. i know. i'm hilarious.
me:
me:
me: and i speak most to my fucking wall.
(i take a very long drink from the wine bottle.)
me: jesus, aren't i messed up?
wall:
me:
wall:
me: so how've you been?
and basically you need to sort out whatever shit you're going through before i go out of my fucking mind, and it's already five thirty in the morning and the sun is rising and it's the kind of sunrise liz would appreciate so i'm appreciating it for her.
and now i'm going to go talk to my walls about my sexual frustration and also my lack of booze and aggressively not sleep at all, so excuse me.
