letters to jen

twenty-eight

{29th december 2012}

dear jen,

today, the doctor asked if i'd done any type of self-harm.

self-harm [n.]; the deliberate non-suicidal injuring of one's body.

i told him no, because i haven't. he gave a nod then and i think he was smiling inside - giving me a little nod like well done, kid, you haven't self-harmed, i'm proud of you.

he asked me other questions after that - i didn't mind answering them, jen. he's pretty nice. my doctor, i mean. i like him. i think if i weren't a patient and he weren't a doctor, we'd be pretty good friends.

i think that i kinda went in ready to hate him, you know - i didn't want therapy and i didn't want help and i didn't want someone to talk to, but there he was, being forced on me against my will.

but then i realised that he's nice and nice people are quickly becoming a rarity in the world, so i should probably appreciate that.

and i remembered that liz hated hatred - she hated people hating other people, she hated people hating anything at all - so i decided not to hate my therapist.

and then when i think back on it i think he might have been a bit surprised when i told him i hadn't ever hurt myself - people who need therapists tend to hurt themselves, i guess. i don't know. i don't like sterotyping, and i can't just throw people into pigeonholes because it's easier for me to think about.

my point is - i could never self-harm. from what i've read in teen fiction books that aren't realistic and from what i've heard from my friends that know nothing about it, self-harm is the kind of thing people do because they think it makes things hurt less.

now, i'm a lot of things, jen, a lot of pretty horrible things, but liz always used to say i was logical, and it doesn't seem logical to think that hurting yourself makes things hurt less.

i wouldn't know of course - and not everyone's like me.

but things do hurt, i get this feeling where everything hurts sometimes, but i look at a knife or some scissors and i'm sorry but i could never just put a blade to my skin and let blood seep out, because it would just hurt too much, and if you know one thing i'm absolutely scared shitless of, jen? physical pain.

i think i'm used to emotional pain, it's become really normal now, ever since liz died. but physical pain terrifies me, and i think it would be better if more people were scared of physical pain, too.

if we had more cowards in the world, things would probably be better for everyone.