letters to jen

nine

{22nd may 2012}

dear jen,

i suppose i should start being the person i want to be in these letters.

you know, that whole "dreams do come true", "you can be anything" shit that you hear all the time? well maybe i could try make that happen.

the thing is, i've been someone i don't know for what feels like a few days but in reality is probably several months.

i started writing to you in april, i think. i don't even think i meant to, you know? i was just so lonely and the words just came out onto the paper. i still am-lonely, i mean. i guess i'm getting used to it now.

the thing is, i didn't used to be lonely. i had a best friend. an actual genuine best friend with her number in my phone and my number in hers and i saw her every day and i went out with her and i watched films with her and i had arguments with her and made up with her and all this shit i've been writing to you about? about how i'm ugly on the inside and i have stupid thoughts and i watch disney films alone in my room sometimes? i didn't even have to think about those things when she was with me. i don't think i even had those thoughts. but now that she's not with me, and she's not here at all, i think about those things all the time, so much that i've taken to writing to you to get rid of them.

i don't even think it's worked. i just think about them more now.