All the Wrong Reasons

All the Wrong Reasons - Part 5

Sorry it's late! I have been working on another story and trying to get the plot right for this one!

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It wasn’t till I was parked up that I came across my first obstacle. Getting Jamie into the flat. Jamie easily towered over me and I wasn’t sure how to get her into the building, without it looking like I had kidnapped or murdered her by dragging her across the floor. Having no mercy, I decided to just shake Jamie awake in the hope that she would be able to make it into the building and up the stairs on her own.

Obviously that would never happen. I managed to wake Jamie up, but she wasn’t coherent so I had to support her all the way to the flat. As I seemed to be carrying most of Jamie’s weight, I soon became out of breath and switched myself onto gym mode. I started to breather in through my nose and out through my mouth. I looked at things to get my mind of the ache in my arms and chest. The banister. The stain in the carpet. The frayed edges of the carpet on the second step. The crack of paint in the corner where the stairway bends. It was like this until we reached the door. Somewhere along the way Jamie had fallen asleep again. Luckily I was able to reach into my purse and open the door.

I almost ran to Jamie’s room and threw her onto the bed. The relief on my arm was instantaneous. Feeling bad for dumping her on the bed, I turned Jamie over. She had taken off her shoes in the car, so I didn’t have to worry about that. I shrugged off one of the many hair bobbles I keep on my wrist and gathered up Jamie’s hair into a ponytail, so in the morning it wouldn’t get in her face if she were to puke, what was more than likely. I then pulled the blanket out from underneath her and tucked her in. I got a glass of water and two painkillers and placed them on her bedside table. I drew the curtains and left the door open slightly before heading off to my room.

It was when I was pulling off my shoes that I realised I had to text Noah and his friends that we had gotten home okay. I was slightly perplexed as to why they had wanted me to text them, nevertheless I obliged. It took me a while to form a text that was friendly, without being desperate – which was also humorous. I didn’t want to go down as the ‘cow girl’ at my first party.

Oh god! Had this party been a disaster or what? I had known not to come out, but I still did. Could I be any dumber? I was angry at myself for falling into my friends trap. The trap that it would be a good time. The trap that we would have a girl’s night. The trap that I looked great ever since hitting the gym. I knew full well that people like myself needed to be on the outside of things, they needed to be away from people to avoid hurting people’s eyes. And to protect themselves from the perfection the outside world craved.

I just wanted someone. Before, I was okay with the prospect that I would be lonely and live with cats forever. But seeing my friends moving on to bigger and better things, and seeing them so happy kills me inside. I just need one person. One person to tell me that I’m good enough for them. I don’t care if I’m dog ugly as long as I have that one person who can say, ‘ you’re no Megan Fox, but I like you just the way you are’. I want someone who I can tell my worries to, and not have to box them in and go to bed stressing about them. I want someone to tell me that I’m fine the way I am. I had thought that losing weight would magically grant me that. I had dropped down from an UK size 20 to a 12, and I had a long way to go before I would be happy with how I looked. It was with these depressing thoughts that I shrugged off my ridiculous clothes and I threw on my pyjamas. I knew I should’ve worn jeans. I sighed and got into bed, praying for the world to stop and that I could stay here forever.

Mooing. That was all I could hear. It was everywhere. Being spat out of the lips of everyone. From the lips of the guy at the party. From the lips of Jamie. Hannah. Lee. My mother. The guy I liked in year 11. From the old lady in the flat below. From my lecturer. From the guy who served me a coffee yesterday. Oh god it was everywhere. I folded my arms, in an attempt to make my self smaller and cover my self up. It was this action that made me realise that I was naked! In front of all these people. And they were all laughing and pointing. They could see how disgusting I am. My breathing started to increase as I started to panic. Oh God. They thought I was a beast. The sound of mooing increased and I started to breathe sharply. My lungs hurt with each breath. My eyes started to feel warm, with the formation of tears getting ready behind the changing curtain that was my eyelids.

Luckily for me, this was when I woke up.