Wake up already this is reality

Chapter five

Have you ever thought about looking death in the eye and saying,"I'm not scared of you", then take his embrace and leave this cruel world? I always smile at the thought, maybe it would be a good way to get rid of your fear, look it in the eye and say I am not scared of you, but what about if you are scared of yourself? Your family, your friends, your body, what if you scared of fear? Man it's a eerie thought isn't it? I mean who really is in control.

I used to jump at the slightest of sounds as a kid, my brother would tease me by saying he was a zombie, most the time I would start crying because he was saying he would eat my brain, but now I am not scared of them, well the thought of them, now in real life outside of my mind, I would most likely die first.

How do you face your fear of looking in the mirror? I mean when I look in the mirror I see someone else, I see someone who has made a mask of them self, someone hidden under all this fake, fake, fake, fake! Did you ever think a little kid could know so much about who they are? I mean people say I act like a seventeen year old but I am only eleven... Why do I act so mature, I don't want to grow up! I mean I just want to be my kid self sitting around reading books not getting ready to lose my childhood! I feel bigger then my body...

I feel like a demon is inside of my heart, my soul, my life! I feel like they are waiting for me to kick the bucket, to chose to lose everything, to stop caring, but I have already stopped caring, I won't cut like paper, I am not paper, I well be more then skin and bones, I well be more then insecure, I want to be a writer, I want to be an artist, I want to be able to teach, I want everything in the world, I want to help! Why don't they let me help? Is it because I am a kid? Or is it because I am growing up to fast? Maybe because I am untrue to myself! Or possibly because I am a lair, I lie, I am a kid, not a grown up, I am to young to be broken! Then, why am I so broken? 

I feel like 'grownups' also want to just be a kid, but they are forcing us into an unrealistic state of adulthood when we are only kids! I mean I see little kids wearing skimpy outfits, kids older then me smoking, doing drugs, kids in my grade caring more about how they look and who they are dating more then their grades! I mean kids in my class use memes to be funny, one kid says '21' all the time, others say 'What are those!!!!', they tease, pull hair, scream, run, but they act like they are older when really they are acting younger then they are! They try to act funny by using overused jokes, they are rude, and last thing is they don't know when to stop! There are some kids who do know how to act their age, not trying to be older or younger, they just are themselves, no one else, they aren't like 'stars' or whatever they are them! 

I wish people would stop being lairs and just be honest with themselves, I want to stop being a lair, I want me, everyone to be able to say,"I'm not okay", and just stop being a rock, stop being everything we are told is wrong, to stop being so unemotional, to stop trying to be cool, I love being a loser! I love being an idiotic kid who doesn't know when to shut their mouth from time to time! I want to be a kid! I don't want to wear heels to school with a mini skirt on, make up, and a crop-top on, I want to be able to wear jeans, t-shirts, and some dirty sneakers, I want to be able to wear out of style clothing to school and no one care! I can't wait for school to be over, but then I won't be able to wait for it to start, I mean, who wants to be in a place where people make fun of you, and the school promising to stop bullying when it never stops, it never well! Kids well be kids, they well be rude and not mean to, and we well not be able to keep our mouth shut!

I feel like, bullying is something that well go one forever and ever, I mean if we stopped kids would stop feeling, they would eventually burst out crying about their problems which the in this day and time society doesn't want to happen, "Crying is unacceptable in this day and age! ", is what our world has come too, we are called selfish when we try to look out for ourselves, or aren't able to save our friends because we were risking our lives in the first place, I mean I was called selfish because I tried to talk to my friends about my problems, like I am sorry that I have issues like any other human-being! I feel like every time I breath is how many times a wire pulls on my lungs making it harder and harder to breath until I break, the wires get so old that they turn to rust and cut though the lung and I die, death, back to what we were talking about before.

Death is inescapable as far as we know now. We can't run away, it'll always find us, if it is us taking our life to it taking ours. How do you think about that, you lying on your death bed, you couldn't even tell the people you love goodbye, think about all those tears shed.

I well one day wear my pride of my sleeve and walk around proudly being able to know my pride well one day be the sin that helps me get to Hell, I mean Heaven can no longer accept me if there is one, I don't believe, but I do at the same time, it is not the easiest thing to say, I don't have faith in that I can be saved, I want to be able to be forgotten by someone who can save me, I want to be left behind, I want to be nothing more then a shadow of who I was, a shell of my mind, I well not be a kid who has only air in my head, I well be smart but I well also be sinful, I won't drink but I well have been called a 'sloth', no need to be a drunk asshole, I well be gay, kiss a girl, kiss a guy, I don't care if I am a sin it's self, yeah the sin of Ash, ha, yeah it wouldn't be that bad to be considered sinful, it's only a title, everyone gets one, the loser, wannabes, popular, attention whore, ect. We all know those names, we all have used them to talk about ourselves or to talk about other people.

OH and can't forget the kids who talk behind other's backs, man, isn't that sweet,"Oh don't look there is the whore", is what kids say, I mean just sweet, just so kind!