Wake up already this is reality

Chapter eight

Another generic day at school once again, my throat still being rude as possible, other then my mom forced me to roll down my window because I saw one of my friends outside their house waiting for the bus and it was the most awkwardest thing in the world, I talked to my crushes, tickled my second crush, his name is James, he is pretty ticklish, quirky, and can't forget, cute, I got a crush on him when I started talking to him, he was in my group when we went around the school in the start of the year, I have another crush who likes anime, he owns a bunny, he likes anime, he's cute, I don't know if he is taller then me or not, but anyways I really like him, I can't think of his name off the tip of my tongue, but I think it might be Sam, or something but he is so nice! My last crush is the one I have had for the longest time, and this is just my top three male crushes, it's Jason, he is a cute blond kid, glasses, somewhat pale skin, his hair it just, ugh, it's so hard to describe without me sounding like I am obsessed with him, but he dose have the prettiest blue eyes I have seen, I always tease him and give him food, I used to act all tough around him and everyone but now I show I have a soft side, even when it comes to emotions, which I still hate to express today, I think I have talked about him before, but he used to wear such a warm leather jacket, I know it's warm because one of my friends let me wear her's. Jason is someone I can talk to, I know he has caught me staring once or twice, well his friends did, and people told him I had a crush on him and I wanted to kill them for it, I still am plotting my revenge on them, but I doubt he believed them since he thinks I am a lesbian, all my friends do, even though I tell them I am bisexual, some think it's wrong, others are okay with it, to me I really don't care.

Guys are weird, but so are girls, but I am even weirder! I can know what they are thinking and sometimes even say what is on their mind, but sometimes I can be so clueless, I mean how would I know everything if I only just know somethings!? Oh well, I kind of just want to relax and read, but I just can't seem to be able to pick up my book and relax and read, I mean I need to finish my poems, that were due yesterday, which somewhat sucks, I mean ugh, I really don't know anymore, if I don't true it in within three days it's an F on my report card which we get in less then two weeks or something like that, and if I don't get a good grade I have to work extra hard to pay off my like $60 books! If I don't get good grades I won't be able to have friends over, and my mom is most likely already mad at me since I didn't turn in my project and lied to her about finishing it, I mean I know I am going to get points taken off of it since I didn't type it, but it's because I don't have use of my printer at home, I don't even know how to use it, and I am scared to go downstairs, my dad is always down there when he is home, but I haven't seen him for months, he is out on work, in New York, it sucks, and my mom is out working in the mall, and my brother, well he is him, he is out as I am writing this, he won't be home for a bit, so it's just me and Roxy, and she, I don't know where she is, she most likely is sitting downstairs in the living room, or more of waiting room, which I mostly go down there just to walk around the house, it's hard to focus on work and I have to read half a book for book club by tomorrow so yeah. Yet again, I finished all my work in other classes, it was easy, I mean I speed though it, getting it all done within the first few mins of class, yet again it isn't hard, it's just simple, I mean, I am not saying I don't want it to be hard, I just want it to be over. Project, due dates, family, me, I just want it all to end! I mean, why? 

Do people really think I just want to stay alone in my room all day, I can't even go outside without my mom worrying about me. My family did so much before I was born, they went to many places either when I was a baby or when I wasn't even alive, I mean, now a days the most things we do is go to my grandparent's house, and all I can do there is swim, and if I don't swim my family won't swim. Like my mom said yesterday, I am changing, when really I don't feel like I am, I just feel sick, tired, sick and tired, but not the kind of sick that can be cured with medication, and not the kind of tired that can be cured with sleep, it's more of, I can't even talk without feeling pain in my throat(Okay maybe I am sick and I do need a doctor)and sleep just feels so restless when I want to stay up, I fall asleep, when I want to sleep I can't. How come I feel like nothing is standing with me but more of behind me, people just follow me, expect me to be some kind of all knowing leader or something, I don't have a right or left hand man, I mean, I don't want anyone to help me, when they do I don't like it. No not at all, it just feels unnatural, like some kind of twitching, like I am now, I feel like my body is shacking, spazzing, flailing, I feel like every time I type, correct, rewrite I twitch, I feel like a hand, a burden has been put on me and I don't want it anymore. It's so warm but I just want to be cold again, I want to be able to have that cold look in my eyes, show I can't feel your warmth, I don't want your help, I want to be inhuman, why would I want to be the exact thing that is killing me, I don't want to be my a human who hides behind the demons on their mind, I already am so depressed, but I won't show it, all I'll say is nothing, I just want to sin, and sinning I want to do best. Man, I can't wait to just sleep.