It's funny 'cause it's true

9- "There's something about Mary"

Dear everyone,

I was at a coffee shop, sitting there, drinking coffee alone, with a notebook and a pen in front of me. I was writing more potential material for my stand-up. Sometimes comedians jot down what they see everyday and convert them to palatable observational humor. Sometimes they fill themselves up with caffeine to boost their creativity. I guess this just doesn't only apply to comedians. It also applies to other kinds of writers. I took another sip but even this strong black coffee wasn't helping. I was struggling to come up with something. The page was filled with crossed out words, jokes that weren't that strong enough to get a loud laughter from the audiences. They were just plain shitty storytelling about my trip to Boston and recycled jokes about my ex-girlfriend, which I should be stopping for the sake of my own originality. I have to drift off from talking about my personal life and more on darkly funny jokes and establishing my onstage persona, who is a nerdy psychopath that loves fucking kids or something like that. I know it's offensive or deranged but that's what makes it unique. I love weird fucked up things and people should, too. Just my opinion, though.

Someone patted me on the shoulder, standing behind me. "Max?" a girl's voice said. "Max, is that you?"

"Oh, hey there, Mary!" I rose from my seat to shake her hand. Mary McAfee was the girl I had a crush on back in high school before I developed an infatuation for Kitty. She's sweet humble charming pretty girl of Italian descent. Her smile is perfect, her hair is brunette and flowing with elegance and fragrance, her hazel eyes are like the assholes of gods shining with such divinity. You ever think that? Like when you stare into someone's eyes, you think they're so perfect they must be the butt holes of some deity because no further words can describe their perfection. She's brains and beauty and kindness packed in one human body. Unfortunately, the reason she didn't date me is because I'm an atheist and she's a Christian, like really, really Christian. She's anti-abortion, anti-divorce, and she loves the Pope very much she might as well just suck his dick. She's also anti-same sex marriage but she does have gay friends. Like I said in the previous chapter, attractive people can get away with anything, including homophobia.

She sat down with me and ordered a cup of coffee and a chocolate doughnut to the waitress. I forgot to mention she's three years younger than me, making her seventeen years old at this point. Also, she's Christopher Keller's cousin. Their mothers are sisters. And yes, we've been friends for a long time that I just developed feelings for her. But at the time of my confession (I was fifteen and stupid at the time, okay?), she just immediately rejected me and that stopped our friendship. It's been a long time since we last talked to each other, and now she's here again, sitting across me in a coffee shop, wanting to catch up what's going on with me. Small world. Small world, indeed. Unfortunately, she's got a boyfriend. I've always stalked her, you know, in her Twitter and Facebook page. 

As soon as the waitress served her order, she began talking, putting her phone down to temporarily stop texting her man she can catch up with that socially awkward godless nerd who wanted to bone her that one time. "So I heard you just got out of a breakup? Your Facebook timeline is full of breakup posts and depressing quotes."

"Glad you got that," I said. She laughed. I did, too. "I think you remember Kitty, right? She was one of the hottest girls in our batch. Well, after five years of knowing her, we finally became a couple. It was great. We have lots of things in common, and it's proven worthwhile since we were actually best friends before, so we know each other very well. Then after one year of being together, she fucked another dude from work. She cheated, I forgave her, then she eventually dumped me."

"That's fucked up."

"Can't believe you curse now."

"Max, I'm seventeen. I'm not that twelve year old girl who hates the word 'butt' you knew. I've changed over the years."