It's funny 'cause it's true

16- "I can escape this! The question is: Should I?"

Dear everyone,

"Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus. Oh man. Oh fuck! Fuck me. Just..Fucking hell. Goddamn it!" I said, looking at my computer screen in extreme disappointment. I was talking to Mary on Facebook when she sent two photos of her pregnancy test. The first photo was just the PT lying on the table, so I didn't believe it at first, but then she sent another photo with her holding up the PT, looking at the camera with an emotionless facial expression. The test had a plus sign, indicating the inevitable fact that I am indeed metaphorically screwed up in the anus. I kept whispering to myself those first words I wrote to you. "Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus. Fuck me! Goddamn it!" But I didn't say those to her. Instead, I just sent her, "Oh shit." She replied, "So, you ready?" I said, "Sure. Well, I guess so." I didn't want to mention anything that has to do with abortion, you know. I may be stupid but I'm not that stupid.

Anyway, I only shared this secret to Jack, my trusted best friend who actually gives advice. Chris and Tony are both assholes. They won't help me in time of need. The reason I hung out with them is because of video games, weed, and humor. But Jack's the future best man to my wedding. He's my partner in crime for life. So we were walking outside this shopping center called All Town Center, smoking cigarettes, while talking. Back then when Kitty and I were together, we always went here with Jack to visit the bookstores for graphic novels and other comic book memorabilia. Jack wasn't the third wheel or anything. In fact, I felt like I was the third wheel 'cause they loved making fun of me. Kitty would even tell him some embarrassing sex moments about me, so yeah. It was fun but it's over now. Now it's just the two of us.

I told him that I impregnated Mary and shit like that and that I hung out with Ace for advice. I told him everything I've been hiding recently. Then I showed him the photo of the pregnancy test. "Might be fake," he said. "She probably took that from Google or something." But then I showed him the second photo, with Mary holding up the test itself. "Oh shit. You're fucked," he said.

"No shit, man. No fucking shit. I don't know what to do! Aborting the baby isn't an option. She won't agree with that. She's a conservative nut. And I can't just bail out on her, you know."

"Actually, you can do that," he suggested. "She's not your girlfriend. She's not your wife. You're not in love with her anymore, right?"

"But I'd be a fucking asshole if I do that!"

"Well, think of it as an act of revenge or karma. Christians believe in that shit, right? Think of it as God's will for her to be a strong independent woman, you know, through making her a single mother."

"That's psychopathic. She might sue me for that."

"No, she won't. DNA tests are expensive and she's just a student. Besides, her parents won't believe you're the father since there's no fucking way she'd tell them she cheated on Marco, the guy who just recently killed himself. No one knows she cheated but you and Marco, and Marco's already dead! So you can escape this."

"That's actually true," I said, shocked and somehow blissful in hearing this. "But how do I bail out?"

"You stop replying to her messages, you delete her number, you stop answering calls, you block her on Facebook and Twitter. Basically, you just suspend all connection with her. You vanish like a ghost."

"You're right. But man, I'd be a villain in this. Jesus Christ, she always liked me 'cause I'm nice despite our disagreements in a lot of things, you know."

"Don't feel guilty, man. Did Kitty feel guilty when she fucking left you and even told everyone that it's your fault? No! Did Mary feel guilty when she fucking rejected your ass and stopped being friends with you back in high school? Fuck, no! Did Alexis feel guilty when she told you she's a lesbian!? FUCKING NO! So why should you, dude? Why should you feel guilty? If I were you, I'd be killing these girls now."