Dear everyone,
I was sweating, nervous, shaky. Sitting in front of this potential publisher, I couldn't stop criticizing myself from within. I even put on my classiest suit just for this. They say that if you want to get your book published, dress like a potential Fyodor Dostoevsky, which is why I brought a Russian roulette with me. No, that was a joke. I didn't bring one. To explain, Dostoevsky was a gambling addict. Great writer, sure, but he had some problems and he was an alcoholic too. Then again, most of the greatest writers are alcoholics. Hemingway, Faulkner, Kerouac, Joyce. You're not a great writer unless you have a severe drinking problem. So I guess I should've put that in my author resume. Anyway, I passed my surrealist novel "Empty Inside" as Kyla suggested me to do. She hasn't read it yet but I told her the plot of it when we hung out again. Yeah, I know I should stop hanging out with her or else there might be some issues, romantic issues, but don't worry, I'm not like that. I didn't try to steal Kitty from Ace, you know..Well, I kinda did. But this is different! Chris is my best friend.
Anyway, "Empty Inside" follows the absurd world that I created which is based on my dream. It's about this struggling middle-aged alcoholic writer trying to wrap his head around the absurdity he's living in. So many absurd events occur that are either sad or funny, depending on your interpretation as a reader. Kyla found it funny but that's because I was the one telling the story. In the end, despite all the tragedies that occurred, despite all the surreal shit, the unnamed main protagonist decides to just accept it all rather than killing himself, which he has tried doing over the course of the story but keep failing to do so due to a surreal interruption such as a random mattress being accidentally placed in the sidewalk when he jumped off the building or his pistol getting jammed when he tried to shoot himself.
Through his square eyeglasses and his partnered green contact lenses, he observed me cautiously. This was after I passed the novel. He just looked at me, without saying a word, sitting behind his desk as he tapped his fingers on the wooden surface. We've been sitting here in silence for a good half hour. "So what do you think?" I asked him to break out the awkward atmosphere.
"I think the story's stupid." He quickly tossed the manuscript in the trashcan. "I haven't read it but you summed up the plot. I think it's stupid. It won't sell. You know what will? Love stories."
"I told you already," I said. "I don't write that kind of thing. In fact, I hate love."
"That's a good book. Alice Watts wrote that, right?" he asked, referencing her book I Hate Love which was based on her own movie. "Write something about how you hate love. That's cool. I mean, Judd Apatow is producing those kinds of movies. That's what the people need nowadays not some absurd not even funny story of someone they can't relate to."
Then moments later, a handsome white guy in a suit came in, holding a stack of papers, possibly a manuscript. He sat next to me and passed the papers to the publisher. "Here, sir. This is my masterpiece. I've been working on this for a week."
A week!? I've been writing "Empty Inside" for two years!
"What's it about?" asked the publisher.
"It's about a story of a handsome guy and a beautiful girl falling in love after bumping to each other in a mall parking lot. I know it's cliched but their relationship together is just so astounding. I based it on my girlfriend and I and it's just—"
"Great! I'll have it published! I love it already!" the publisher said. "Now this is the kind of thing you ought to be writing about, Max. This is an instant bestseller!"
"You haven't even read it yet!" I said.
"Don't need to."
I took the manuscript and read a few lines from a random page. "Her lips were like melting chocolate under the setting sun, waiting to be softly kissed as they slowly expire? What kind of line is this? A twelve year old would've done better."
YOU ARE READING
It's funny 'cause it's true
HumorPlot: Maxwell James "Max" Xavier is a young stand up comedian dealing with his steadily declining mental health worsened further after his girlfriend dumps him for another man. This novel is part autobiographical, part satire, depicting the author's...