T For Texas

I Need the Prayers

Buck woke Mary Grace up. He was rolling and groaning. He might have been screaming if his face hadn't been so deep into the pillow that it muffled his voice. His legs kicked her wildly, though not on purpose. Mary Grace was frightened. This was the fourth time this week and the ninth time this month that Buck woke her kicking and screaming.
"Buck," She said shaking his shoulder softly to try and wake him from his nightmares.
Buck wouldn't wake up. He just kept sobbing and rolling and hitting and thrashing. Mary Grace laid herself over him and held him as best she could. He thrashed about so much, but she had to be there.
Buck woke up hours later. He looked more tired than when he went to sleep. He got out of bed and got dressed in a pair of ragged blue jeans, an ugly grey t-shirt, and his jacket from the army that had his name on it. He walked out of the bedroom and out of Mary Grace's apartment. He wandered around Los Angeles without saying a word. He was alone with his thoughts and alone with his conscious. His dream was still vivid in his mind. Gunshots still rang in his head, explosions still tore through his mind, and he was terrified.
As much as Buck resented Mary Grace for being untrue he couldn't blame her. She was only human. Something in the back of his mind kept nagging him though. He couldn't help but feel that Mary Grace would be happier with Mike.
Since Buck found about Mary Grace's affair with Mike she became so sad. He didn't mean to cause her pain. He didn't mean to hurt her, but all he was good at was hurting people. He was selfish. He was cruel. He was a monster.

●●●

Mary Grace woke up in her bed all alone. She got out of bed and looked around her apartment for Buck. She couldn't find him.
Mary Grace tried to stay calm. She tried to convince herself that Buck would be back soon. She went to the kitchen and started to make breakfast for herself and Buck when he returned.
The apartment was just too quiet. She couldn't stand the silence. She paced back and forth. Her breakfast was cold, and Buck still wasn't back. Where could he be?
Mary Grace went to the phone and called Thomas.
"Hello?" Thomas answered. He sounded tired.
"Do you have any idea where Buck is?" Mary Grace asked.
"He called a few hours ago asking where the Monkees lived. Why? Isn't he with you?"
"No, he isn't. Can you drive me to the Monkees' pad?" Mary Grace asked.
"I'll be there in ten minutes," Thomas said.
It was the longest ten minutes of Mary Grace's life. She paced around her apartment until she heard a honk outside her window then she ran quickly down the stairs. Thomas already had the door to his car open so all Mary Grace had to do was hop in. He gunned it to the Monkees' pad.
Mary Grace barely waited for the car to stop before she was sprinting to the beachside flat. She ran to the door and rang the doorbell. The peephole opened then the door opened. Davy was standing at the door.
"Have you seen Buck?" Was all Mary Grace could manage to get out of her mouth. Her breath was too heavy and hard to come by.
Mike stood up and walked to the door. "He didn't go back and talk with you?" Mike asked.
Mary Grace shook her head still out of breath.
"He came over and said he was no good for you so he was gonna leave you," Mike said. "It was weird. I never said a word to him then he just up and left."
"How long ago was this?" Mary Grace asked.
"About thirty minutes ago, I reckon," Mike replied.
Mary Grace's heartbeat quickened. "Do you know where he went?" She asked.
"I think I saw him go towards the beach," Mike said.
Mary Grace sprinted towards the beach. As she drew nearer she could already see a crowd around something. Her legs carried her as fast as they could and she still wasn't going fast enough. She squeezed through people's arms to see what everyone was gathered around.
There was Buck. His skin was covered with sand and his eyes were open. He was limp. Mary Grace fell to her knees beside him. A cry of anguish escaped her lips.
"Dear god..."
Thomas tried to get Mary Grace off of Buck's body, but she struggled against him. Finally Thomas gave in. He let Mary Grace sob.
Eventually the police showed up and Mary Grace was forced away from Buck. She followed behind the police. She felt weak. As she walked after then she tripped over Buck's jacket. She picked it up and a small piece of paper fell out.

Dear Mary Grace,

I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I didn't marry you like I promised. I'm sorry I got mad at you for cheating on me. I'm sorry that I was gone for those two years. I'm sorry that when I came back I just made you sad.
In the end this was all my fault. If I had been a better man then none of this would have ever happened so I'm letting you go. I know you don't want that, but I think it's best for you. I can't live without you so I'm not going to try. I should have died in Vietnam like so many of my friends. I've been hearing Vietnam during the night so I suppose it's just trying to take what it owns. Well, now it's got me.

I'm sorry it happened like this,

Buck Whitman

Mary Grace stared at the note, Buck's suicide note. She didn't know when he wrote it. It looked like he was holding onto it for a long time. The letters were smudged and the paper was crumpled. She held tightly to Buck's jacket then followed after the police again. Her chest was tight, and she wanted to die. Thomas was walking beside her. He was watching her carefully as to make sure she was all right.
All right... Mary Grace didn't feel like she'd ever be all right again.

(This next chapter will probably be the last one. This chapter deals with a pretty touchy subject. I was really nervous about writing it. Suicide is a really tough subject to deal with. If you start or have thoughts about killing yourself just remember that life is too precious to waste. I know that sounds cliché, but it really is the truth. Everyone has something to live for. Everyone is beautiful. Everyone is talented. Everyone is worth something. On another note, Pegasus is up if you're interested. I'd love you forever if you read it. Not that I don't love ya'll already. You guys are already super great!)