The reason

Chapter 13

When we walk into the house, the smell of fresh baking wafting out to greet us. Some part of me instantly recognises it as cookies, despite the lack of motherly baking in my life.

' "Mmmm, those cookies smell great, mum." Ben calls, towing me into the kitchen.

"Careful, they just came out of the oven." Ruth admonishes as he grabs a couple, handing me one.

"I thought you two might be hungry when you returned." She looks straight at me as she talks, but she doesn't expect a reply. "Ben, go and help her take her stuff to the guest room." Grinning at me, he grabs my bag from me, taking me to the room we were in before.

In broad daylight, and now that I'm more relaxed, I can take in the room properly. It's a nice shade of green paint, with a single canvas of a lit pond mounted on one wall, reminding me of forest floors and the scent of pine needles. A patterned red and black duvet sits tidily on the bed, obviously Ruth has been cleaning up after me. I can feel my cheeks redden, I must have left the bed a mess. I should've at least cleaned up after myself before storming out. Ben places my bag beside the bed and turns to me.

"Welcome to your chambers, m'lady." He gives a dramatic bow and smiles cockily at me. In response, I swat him on the arm. He bursts into laughter, his leaf green eyes lighting up. I can't help the infectiousness of the moment, small chuckles burst involuntarily out of me. Before I know it, he's extremely close, our chests almost touching. His laughter dies out, a sad loss. My eyes are captured by his suddenly intense gaze and my limbs are frozen, not responding. Slowly, he leans forward and I can see what's about to happen. But I don't know how it got to this, or how to stop it. Gently, he presses his lips to mine, his eyes closing and his hands pressing against my back.

For a second, I feel my lips responding, it just feels so right. Then my senses kick in and I raise my hands between us, pushing him away. Immediately, his eyes fly open and his hands dropping to his side. "I'm so sorry, Reegan." He says, seeming as shocked as I am. Desperate to escape, I look down at my clothes and say,

"I'm uh, going to have a shower and change." He nods quickly and replies, "Okay, that would be best. I'll uh, wait downstairs." I watch him shuffle away and pick up my bag before racing into the bathroom. With fumbling fingers, I lock the door, my shoulders relaxing the moment I'm in a secure room. Thoughts race around inside my head, ricocheting off my skull. It feels as though my head is going to implode. I can't get my head around it, why would he do that? It must be part of some bigger plan to mock me. He can't seriously want to kiss me. Yet it looked and felt so real. It's impossible.

Stripping, I step into the shower, relishing the feeling of the warm falling water. Years of short showers bred into me make me have a quick wash before stepping back out. Towelling off, I get into some half decent clothes, black hoodie and jeans. Pulling up my sleeve, I run my fingers absently over the scabs. My body is a mess of scars, internal and external. Ones I choose to make, like the ones I'm touching. Ugly, they're the ugly marks caused by ugly feelings. Yet they've comforted me like no-one else. The bruises covering my body, caused by the oh - so - sinful act of being alive. And involuntary ones that I've accumulated over the years. A tiny crescent on my right middle finger below the nail. A small scar caused by a slip of my hand when I was nine. My first attempt at whittling wood with a pocketknife Dad gave me. A shallow scar on my elbow from when I fell off my bike on my first attempt to ride it without help. Panicked by going down a hill, I rode straight into a green wheelie bin at the end of a driveway.

I'm still no closer to processing recent events. I'll just have to set him straight, tell him I won't fall for it. I'm not sure I can stay here, it's going to be so awkward. But I don't want to give up on this place  just yet. I want to give it a real go, just as I hopped straight back on that bike the next day.