The reason

Chapter 15

While the hug lasted only a minute, it was the most warmth I've felt in seven years. Even when Ben was still alive, there was never a spare moment for me. And I learnt to be okay about it, learnt not to bother them and lock my feelings away in the deepest recess of my mind. Never did I think I'd discover the key to open that compartment. But the key stands in front of me, eyes glinting with happiness as he steps back.

"Well, what do you feel like doing today, Daffodil?" He asks, a smile playing across his lips.               "Daffodil?" I ask, curiosity tinging my voice.

"Why of course. I decided that daffodils really are your flower." My flower? Can people even have a certain flower? "Really?" Turning his body to face me he says,

"Yes. I want to be reminded of you every time I see them." Did he actually just say that, or am I finally going insane? "When did you turn into such a sap?" I tease, slugging him on the arm.

"Ow." He pouts, rubbing it softly. "See?" I laugh, and break into a run. I squint as I race out the front door and get hit by the glare of the bright sun. 

"Hey! You don't get to leave so easily." He calls, giving chase. Struggling to breathe while laughing, I leap over the garden of pansies and marigolds. Given his extremely nice physique, I'm sure he's going easy on me. I haven't run like this in years and I'm already struggling to keep my pace up. You can definitely tell I haven't taken the Phys Ed class in years.

The thudding of his feet get closer and I squeal just before he wraps his arms around me. I close my eyes, waiting for the impact, but gentle hands guide me until I land softly on top of him. "You won't get away with that." He growls and starts tickling my stomach.

"Stop...please." I gasp between bouts of chuckling so strong I have a serious stitch. "Say sorry." He says, mercilessly continuing the tickling of my ribs. "I'm....s-sorry." I gasp, clutching my stomach as he relents. Somehow, I'm the one underneath him, his nice smell wafting down to me. Before I can rethink my decision and back out, I pull his head down until our lips meet. There's no hesitation on his behalf, he reacts instantly. It's soft, sweet and just right.

"Are you sure?" He murmurs, breaking the kiss and flopping down to lie beside me on the grass.     "I'm sure." We share a smile that only the two of us can tell how much it means. "My ribs." I groan, my breath still short. "Are they okay? Did I hurt you? Do you need a doctor?" It's so funny how quickly he goes from mirthful to serious.

"They're fine. It's the laughter." Reaching over slowly, giving me plenty of time to back out, he links our fingers together. Even so simple a gesture feels so nice, means so much. "I apologize for being so hilarious." His joking words belie the serious tone. "Don't. Don't ever apologize for making me laugh. I need to make up for lost time. Do you know how unreal this is for me?" I ask him, and he raises his free right hand to brush a stray hair out of my eyes.                         

 "I can assure you, it's just as unreal for me." 

His words feel like a bond of some sort. Like two people that have experienced something so marvellous that others can't even comprehend. And it opens up a feeling of mystery and excitement. But I also feel trepidation. More is at stake here than ever before. Because I expect to be hurt by mum. I trust Ben, if he was to hurt me it would be ten times worse than any blow. I don't think I could survive the betrayal.

But I will never regret the time we'll have together. In between sentences, we end up walking, just aimlessly wandering as we revel in each other's presence. By some mutual agreement we stop at a bench at the park. His arm feels nice around my shoulders, his sleeves rolled up to the elbow. We fit together so comfortably. I know it's so cliché, and downright cheesy, but it feels like we were made for each other.

I hate to ruin the serenity, but I want a good first relationship. I want him to know exactly what he's getting himself into. "I have something I want to share with you. Something personal." I say, my heartbeat picking up. "Of course. You can tell me anything."  He's gone all serious with me, I'm grateful he isn't taking it lightly.

"Well, I don't exactly want to tell you something. I want to show you something. The kiss the other night got me thinking and I realised I did want to be with you." I give him a shy smile and he nods for me to go on. "But I know it's not fair on you to not know what you're getting yourself into. So I um, I just want you to read  this. And don't decide anything until you have. Because this is me at my lowest, and I can understand if you can't deal with it."

From the pocket of my jeans I pull my small diary, with all my thoughts written down - up until I met him. My hands tremble as I pass it to him, and as soon as I let go I feel like a part of my soul has been released. I watch him gently open the black covers. Page by page, his eyes pore over every word. As his expression remains the same, solemn and a twitch in his jaw, my heart beats unsteadily. I'm getting more and more nervous, my knee jiggling up and down like crazy. How can silence be so loud? How can he just sit there without showing any anger or anything? So many questions flicker around in my head. And then he turns the last page over and lifts his head. Does he still want to be with me?

A/N So many questions! Do you think Ben can deal with all of her emotions? Will he freak out at her or walk away?