The reason

Chapter 22

The bell goes as we walk away and we barely make it to third period before the teacher. The teacher immediately makes us be silent and starts lecturing us on the assassination of John. F. Kennedy. I don't even attempt to listen, I'm still annoyed at what Ben just did and I have to bite on my tongue to keep from talking to him. I really don't want us to get in a fight. The emotion only adds to the fiery itch that's been working up my arm all day. Unsure of what to do with all this emotion, I hold up my hand halfway through the lesson and get excused to go to the bathroom.

"I'll be back soon." I say to Ben because he looks concerned about my actual reasons for leaving. I make a casual mask and see him believe it as I walk out the door. I guess all those years of practise has paid off, or else he was just distracted. Knowing he'll wonder about me if I don't return shortly, I walk as quickly as I can without running to the nearest girl's bathroom.

It's thankfully empty and I slide into a stall, double checking the lock behind me. I withdraw the pocketknife that habit makes me keep in my shoe. If I'm honest, it's not really about what Ben said to Brian. I thought dad would care after so much time, say he'd tried to see me. I thought he'd at least offer a place to stay instead of using this convenient turn of events to his advantage. I guess I was wrong, it's stupid what hope does to you.

Quickly, I slice four new grooves into my left forearm. Just four, enough to gain control. Not too many though, because I don't like breaking my promise to Ben. The instant relief is so good, calming the scattered thoughts in my brain. The blood starts to run out, a deep rich red and I hastily re-tie the bandage to prevent any soaking into my clothes. Pulling my sleeve back down and tucking my pocketknife into my shoe, I flush the loo and walk out. It's only been a few minutes when I slide back into my seat - the usual time going to the bathroom takes. Ben whispers a hi and I respond.

I manage to hold in my outburst until lunch after fourth period. I'm still angry, but now I have the new pain to focus on to get me through the lessons. We sit at our usual spot, this time free for the moment of laughing jocks. I keep my silence, unsure how to start when Ben says, "I know something's bothering you. If it's Brian don't worry. I took care of it." He unwraps his sandwich.

"I don't want you to take care of it!" I exclaim, my tone sharper than I meant it to be.

"But I can help you! You don't need to let him push you around anymore." His tone is wavering, unsure why I'm angry at him. He doesn't understand, what he's seen is barely the minimum of what they've done to me over the years. Yet I stood stong, I didn't give in, I don't need some stupid boy trying to be a hero. I'll make the decisions about my life..

"I don't need you fighting my battles. Now he's just going to be angrier, you've made the situation worse!" I say in a struggle to keep my voice down.

"If he tries anything, he'll regret it." Ben says like I'm dumb, which adds to my frustration.

"I'm not some helpless girl, Ben. I would fight back if I cared enough to."

"You don't want him to stop bullying you? Do you get off on the misery? The pain?" His words are a slap in the face, a knife to the heart. Is that what he thinks of me? He is such an ass. A correct ass, but an ass all the same.

"Well, don't bother coming near me at all anymore. A house conveniently just opened up." I shut my half open bag and get up.

"Wait, I'm sorry." He says, any regret masked by frustration.

"Go to hell." I stride to an area by the teachers car park and wait until the lunch bell rings and he gets up to go to class. Then I walk out of school without a backward glance. Instead of focussing on my thoughts, I listen to the harsh call of the myna birds and the sweet, underlying tone of the thrushes. I study the cracks on the concrete and count the steps until I reach Ben's driveway. I quickly look up and am relieved to see that Ruth is working today so I slip inside with the key hidden in a fake rock that Ruth told me about. The house is different when it's just me, it's silent. Hurrying to the guest room, I chuck everything into my two bags and then I'm out and locking the front door.

Ben's point of view. *********

I'm worried about Reegan. She didn't turn up to class after lunch and I know she was upset about what I said to her. I can't believe I said it myself. As soon as the bell rings, I'm out the door and running home in time to see mum pull up into the driveway.

"You're in a rush, where's Reegan?" She asks as she gets out of the car.

"I don't know, I said something to her at lunch and she didn't come back to class. Did you hear from her?" I ask and am disappointed when she says she hasn't. I impatiently wait as she unlocks the front door and then I race to the guest room.

"Reegan!" I call and see why she doesn't answer when I enter the room. Every item of hers is gone,  everything. I race back down the hall.

"She's left mum, all her stuff's gone."

"Where would she go?" Mum asks.

"Her dad gave her the house she used to stay at." I say, relaxing a smidgen when I see mum do the same.

"She's probably fine for now. What did you say to her?" I hand my head and mumble our conversation.

"Ben! She's very fragile right now, the tiniest thing could set her off. I warned you not to hurt her and did you listen? Go over there right now and don't bother coming back until you've sorted this out." Her tone is both gentle and firm and without further ado, I race out the door, hoping she'll be okay when I get there.

Reegan's point of view *****************

I'm staring down at the new cuts I've just made. Deep ones, with blood splattered in the bathroom sink. And I don't feel relieved. I hate fighting with Ben, and I know he'll be upset and blame himself when he finds out. But it isn't in my nature to cry and I don't have any other way to let the world see my pain, my hurt. It's not about punishment or any of the rubbish that everyone else assumes. It's about letting out emotion so strong that only the pain will let you find the way through it. The blood-stained bandage sits slightly awkwardly underneath the black hoodie I changed into. I'm waiting for him. Somehow, even though nobody's ever come for me before, I know he will.

At ten to four he races in, straight up to my room and finds me lying on my bed. I put down the book I've been attempting to read and face him. I want to smile, but I feel frozen, unsure of how to act.

"You're here." He says finally.

"Yep, here I am." I say back and wait for him to speak.

"I was worried about you. You weren't at my house, and I was scared you'd -"

"Kill myself?" I ignore his shocked and concerned expression. "You don't need to worry about that. I don't want to die, honest." Despite the truth in my words he looks doubtfully at me.

 "Anyway, I wanted to apologize for being a jerk earlier. I was mad at Brian and I really do want to help. But I'll stay out of it if that's what you want. Anything to be at your side again. Please." I can't refuse those adorable eyes, I don't think anyone could.

"You were a jerk. But maybe you were a little bit right and I've missed you too." He seems to sense that I want a hug and climbs onto the bed, drawing me into his solid arms. I breathe in the addicting scent of him, guilt washing over me. His grip tightens on my arms and I can't help a small whimper as he presses on the cuts.

"Reegan? Are you okay?" He looks at me, trapping me in the green depths of his irises. I can't lie to him, if I start then our relationship will mean nothing.

"Just, please don't freak out." Before I can change my mind I lift up my sleeve and show him the blood-stained bandage.

"Was this because of me? Did I make you do this?" There's panic in his eyes, which flick from my arm up to my face, his hands curling into fists.

"No, I promise. I wouldn't let something so ugly come from our relationship." I tell him and press my lips softly to his to show him I mean it.

"Don't. Don't ever say any part of you is ugly. You are beautiful." He says and gives me a sweet kiss back that leaves my heart racing.

A/N Happy Halloween for yesterday! Like I said, I was out collecting lots of yummy goodies :) So here's another chapter for you guys.