The reason

Chapter 14

When I wake up, I feel different, lighter. In my head I know I'm exactly the same, I still have the same body, the same bruises. But my heart tells me that it's beating stronger, creating a firmer grasp on this planet. The dark cloud weighing on my head and chest is still heavy, but for the first time it's like there is a glow of light in the distance. Not yet strong enough to penetrate, but enough to hold out hope. That's the one thing I cannot afford to have, promised I would never have. Hope destroys you. No matter what reality gives you, nothing compares to a fantasy. It brings excitement only to crush you when you see the truth. So I won't hope, but I will remain aware that one presence has recognised me.

When I race down the hall, I find it's late morning and Ben is sitting at the kitchen bench, talking with his mum. "I'm so sorry, you should have woken me. It's almost eleven o'clock!" I pant, tired slightly from just that small rush. I've adjusted to the bruises, the small pain when I shift is all part of the movement.

"Nonsense dear, you need your rest. We don't have anything planned, so just take the time you need." As if she knew when I'd be down (I swear she has a sixth sense) she passes a plate of heaped eggs to me. Ogling the huge mountain, I find I actually am quite hungry and I follow Ben to the dining table.

"You must have had a good sleep. Dreaming about me?" He asks, quirking an eyebrow as he starts shovelling his own breakfast in.

"You wish. Did you wait for me, I kept you from having breakfast!" I exclaim and he swallows hard, choking as he starts laughing. He reaches for his glass of water and takes a deep gulp. "You've got a little something..." I point to a dribble of water running down his chin. His shoulders trembling slightly from the laughter, he swipes it off with the back of his hand.

When he's stopped laughing long enough to speak he says, "You should've seen your face, don't look so worried. This is seconds."

I'm glad things aren't awkward between us. He keeps the mood light with jokes and funny stories from the last school he went to. He really is a good guy. Of course, light moods only last so long.                  

"Thanks so much, Ruth. You're an amazing cook." I tell her as she picks up our plates. I only managed to get through half of mine, but Ben's is wiped clean. Man, that boy can eat. I'm surprised he's still in good shape. Curse the male figure! While I'm secretly checking him out Ruth places our plates on the bench and then returns.

"Don't be upset, but Ben told me about your cutting." Crap. I'm going to murder him. I can feel my cheeks turn beacon red with shame and I stare fixatedly at the placemat in front of me. Just like that my good mood is gone.  

 "It's okay, honey. You don't need to feel ashamed. All I want to do is clean them and make sure they don't become infected, okay?" Her tone is nice, not angry and not pitying. It's motherly, some part of me realises, it's caring. Long bred habit screams at me to flee, but I can't hurt their feelings. They've been so sweet and good to me. Of course, that will probably change in a moment.

"Okay." I say quietly, getting up and shuffling after her. Ben gets up with us, trailing after us like a lost puppy. he doesn't follow us into the bathroom though, after Ruth glares at him and shuts the door.

"Just sit on the edge of the bath, dear." Sitting gingerly, I watch as she rifles through the cupboard under the sink before retrieving a white bottle with a green label. Kneeling in front of me, she explains,

"This is just hydrogen peroxide. Useless to scars, but it will disinfect any scabs or fresh wounds. We don't want you getting an infection do we now? Could you please lift your sleeve?" I look into her gentle brown eyes and I know I could refuse, she wouldn't pressure me. But I don't have the heart to refuse her. Already, she feels more like my mum than the woman that birthed me ever has. Slowly, I lift up my sleeve to my elbow, revealing scar after scar. To her credit, she doesn't gasp or look at me with pity. Sorrow and caring enters her eyes, but she never flinches. She never acts like I've disappointed her.

 "I'll just pour some over these newer wounds..." The liquid is cool and causes a few wounds to seep. Little white and red bubbles foam in those wounds, and it stings a little. But it's nothing like what I've known.

"Some of these probably should've had stitches. Oh, don't worry, I'm not going to drag you off to the doctor's. This will work just fine. Now, I'll wrap a nice, clean bandage around them..." I hear the faint snip of scissors as she cuts the roll and then she starts winding it around my arm. Her fingers are gentle, soft and I feel a pang of wistfulness. For the kind of mother that tended to sores and injuries, for a mother that didn't wish I was dead. "All done." She says, clipping a few safety pins on to keep it secure. I offer her a tentative smile.

"Now, Ben told me about the kiss. No need to duck your head, honey. I know you must be confused and freaked out, but you can talk to me if you need to. He's a good kid, he'll do his best for you. But you just go with what you feel comfortable with. I know you've had a tough life, but you're a very pretty girl. I believe you can make him happy." She smiles at me and I smile back, wondering how two great people came into my life. How they can be bothered with a screwed up mess like me. Whatever caused us to meet though, I'm grateful for it. Carefully pulling my sleeve down without disturbing the bandage, I walk out the bathroom door.

"Did it hurt? Is it infected? Are you going to the hospital? I should've taken you straight there." His eyes are full of worry and regret.

"I'm still alive, Ben. Calm down." He doesn't take my words as a joke, just touches my elbow gently and looks at me.                                                                                        

 "The girl's fine, Ben. Don't get your panties in a twist." Ruth says, winking at me as she walks past. "Seriously, you're okay? Thank God." Without thinking about it, he pulls me into a hug.                        "I did it again, I'm sorry." He says, starting to drop his arms.                                                              "Friends can hug." I reply, smirking at his reaction when I hug him back, resting my chin on his chest. He feels safe, solid. My first friend.

A/N Even though they claim to be just friends, their feelings towards each other are continuing to develop. But does Reegan have the ability to trust and love? Will they risk their friendship for something more?