The reason

Chapter 20

Butterflies race around faster and faster in my stomach as I make my way to the kitchen. My sleep was fitful, lots of tossing and turning. The school uniform feels stiff and scratchy, not sitting right.

"Breakfast, dear?" Ruth offers when she see me enter the kitchen. The very thought of trying to choke down food signals a small gag reflex. I hastily control it and struggle to put on a normal feeling face.

"No thanks." I reply, giving her a small smile.

"Well okay then. I packed you some lunch," She hands me a clear lunchbox and my fingers clumsily unzip the bag I first brought here. My hands shake badly and the lunchbox all but falls from my hand into the bag.

"Ben! It's time to go!" She yells down the hall and he yells back that he's coming. His uniform is neater than usual, his hair looks like he's actually ran a comb through it. My nerves calm a little as I meet his eyes.

"Okay, I hope it all goes well for you. Your collar dear..." Her gentle hands fix my collar and brushes imaginary lint off the sweater. I'm so nervous, I want to throw my arms around her and ask if I can stay here. Another part, a part I wished wasn't there is eager to see my father, to see if finally he can re-enter my life.

"You guys should be off. Take care of her, Ben." With that, she urges us out the door, waving after us as we hurry down the driveway. His hand immediately slips into mine, giving it a little squeeze. I would feel more comforted if he didn't look almost as nervous as I feel.

"Look at you, all dressed up." I tease him in an attempt to lighten the mood, the words sounding a little funny.

"I want to make a good impression. I even brushed my teeth." He bares them at me, like the guys off the colgate ads. I laugh at his cheesy expression, forcing it out a little.

My heart is pounding as we walk up to my front door. The straggly gardens are starting to take over the path leading up to the door. I want nothing more than to turn around and run away. I don't think I can do this. I'm sure my palms are sweaty, but Ben doesn't comment if they are. I let us in after fumbling with the keys for a minute, momentary relief hitting me when I realise we are the first here. Of course, the anxiety grows and grows until it's a thin cord stretched to fraying point. At one minute to eight, a black audi parks on the road outside the driveway.

We see his feet first as he opens the door, shiny polished boots. Slowly, more of him appears until he's standing on the path. Dressed in a smart black suit, he straightens his blue tie as he strides up the path and knock on the door. For a moment, I freeze and then Ben gives me an encouraging nod and I take a deep breath before walking quickly to the door. I open it slowly, doing my best not to show emotion as I stare the man who abandoned me in my face.

"Come in." I say, more because it sounds like something people usually say. Without wasting time, he walks in and helps himself to an armchair in the lounge. I perch nervously on the couch next to Ben, unable to relax.

"It's good to see you again." He says awkwardly, not because it's been so long but because he doesn't mean it. I can see the desire to get this over with quickly in his eyes. Well, I feel the same. I don't reply, just look at him. He looks just as I remember him. Dark brown hair cut short with serious hazel eyes. But there are subtle changes. The crinkles around his eyes, the stiff posture from being in a house he once called home.

"Well, uh I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I'm organising the funeral for Saturday. Just you and my family at the Holmswood Cemetary. No big service, just a few words over her grave. I don't think she'd want anything flashy." Your mother. Not Paula, not my still legal wife, not the woman I once loved. Straight on to business, no tears lost. He means mum is nothing to him, a ghost he'd much rather forget. A service would mean he'd need to sit in a church, pretending to be sad under the eye of God when he's repeatedly checking his watch. It's not worth the money. 

Although I've known he never cared about me for years, the way he said 'my family' cut deeper than I would ever admit. I'm not a part of their happy family, I don't think I'd have it in me to agree to be even if he asked.

"I'll think about coming." I won't jump at his every plan for me, I'm not a child. I know I'll probably go, just to make sure she won't rise from the dead to haunt me. I need the closure, to see her disappear forever.

"Okay, good. Now, about your living arrangements. I live with Rebecca, my partner, and my son Gerry. It's a small house, so it might be cramped with four. Luckily, the mortgage is all paid on this place. We have a free house on our hands, you need a place to stay. I'll put money for food in your account every week." His tone is brisk, just getting the job done. He sounds like I'm just a faint acquaintance or client or something. I bristle at how bossy he sounds, what right does he have to tell me what to do?

"That's it? Thanks dad, I love you too." I say, letting the sarcasm drip from my voice. Like I'm going to be polite. Manners are for people you respect, and I don't respect him in the slightest. Ben's arm wraps protectively around my shoulder.

"It's not fair on Rebecca to drag up old stuff. It's the only way, I wish there was another one..." I don't buy it.

"You know what? I don't. You're selfish and can't wait to get rid of me the way you did all those years ago. You abandoned me." My voice is rising and he looks disgruntled.

"I don't have time for this. I have a meeting at nine." He checks his watch to emphasize his point. "Well you will make time. I was ten and you left me. Do you know she beat me every day? Do you realise that you're nothing but a coward? Someone who doesn't mind leaving his only child alone with a monster just because it's easier!" I spit at him, unable to stop the years worth of insults.

A/N Ohh, small cliffhanger! What do you think will happen, will her Dad let her stay with him or will they leave without resolving anything? I'll try and update tomorrow, seeing as it's been a few days since the last update.