The Fear Of Falling Apart // Dan Howell

Chapter 3

DAN'S POV

I sit on our black sofa in the living room, next to Phil looking at the laptop screen as Phil edits our latest video. Louise got a phone call earlier and walked off into Phil's room, closing the door behind her. Normally she'll answer the phone and just stay in the same room as us but very occasionally, she'll whisper something down the phone and walk away. There's something very off about it but it's not worth questioning as it's really nothing to do with us

Or is it?

I sometimes have the feeling that she's maybe still in contact with (y/n) and if so, it makes me sad that she hasn't told us. I miss her - a lot. Having to say goodbye to her was the hardest challenge ever. I had to walk away from her, with a suitcase in my hand and catch many trains back to London, without her. I entered my empty apartment and didn't go outside for a while; I spent most of my time laying on my bed, just staring at the ceiling. It was hard - my motivation was gone. Phil came back from America and when he saw the state I was in, he immediately got under the covers with me and encouraged me to tell him everything I was feeling.

I told him everything. For months I was depressed and lacked the courage to do anything and the only person I thought could change that was (y/n) - my girl. But I know that she is never coming back and my subscribers and followers were becoming impatient so I got back on my feet, with the help from Phil, and I eventually became my normal self again. I still act like the sarcastic, lazy and meme-loving person I was before but the only thing hidden behind it all is the missing piece of the puzzle.

Her.

I look back down at the computer screen to see Phil, cropping one of the videos and adding certain effects here and there and then Louise rushes back into the living room, all smiley.

"Sorry about that boys!" She says, "Just had a little conversation with someone"

"It's fine!" Phil smiles, "As long as you're oka-"

"With who?" I interrupt, sitting up from my sofa crease.

Phil has his mouth slightly open and Louise has a worried expression appear on her face.

"Dan, it's not really anything to do with us..." Phil coughs.

"No, I think it is" I announce, folding my arms "Normally you'll answer the phone with no initiative to leave the room but then at random times of the day, you'll get a phone call that you whisper a reply to and then you leave the room. Why? Who is it that we can't know about?"

Louise looks speechless as if she has no idea how to reply to this and Phil looks slightly anxious - does he know something I don't?

"Dan maybe we should just get on with the video I mean-" Phil begins.

"No Phil wait" I command, lifting a finger closely to his lips, "Who were you talking to on the phone?"

"I really don't think it's a big of a deal you're making it out to be" Louise finally responds.

"I wasn't making it a big deal until you were" I reply, "So who was it?"

"Zoe" She quickly says.

"Oh really?" I reply sarcastically, "Zoe must have a vendetta against us then!"

Louise goes to say something and then doesn't.

"Enough with the bullcrap Louise" I say, shaking my head, "I think you and I both know exactly who it was. You don't have to tell me but if it is the person I think it is, then I'm a little irritated you haven't told me"

"It's really nothing" She mumbles.

"She's not nothing to me!" You exclaim, standing up from the sofa.

I storm past the coffee table and into the hallway, swinging open my bedroom door and entering the room. Clenching my fists, I walk up to my bed and perch on the edge of it. With my elbows placed on my knees and my face in my hands, I begin to take deep breathes.

This isn't fair on me at all.

Phil and Louise both now how much she meant to me and how much I tried to win her back yet they don't seem to tell me anything. I know they know something. I just wish I knew what. Perhaps I shouldn't have interrogated Louise like that but the build up of anger inside me is something I can't control until the missing piece has returned. Will she return? I hope so.

I sigh and fall backwards onto the black and white sheets of my bed and stare up at the white ceiling. I know it's just a plain ceiling but under this very ceiling I told (y/n) that I loved her. Under this ceiling, I held her hands and entangled my legs with hers. Under this ceiling, I watched her sleep in this very bed that I am laying on now.

However, I know that she will never enter this room again. She will never lay on this bed and see this ceiling. Why? Because I was an idiot. Does she think of me still? How is she coping alone in Scotland? She can't be alone. She must have someone. If she does, he or she better treat her way better than I did.

I hear a knock at the door and I yell the words "Come in"

Phil slips into the room and closes the door slowly behind him. He walks up to the bed and sits down next to me, placing his palm on my upper leg.

"You alright Danny?"

Shooting up from my bed, I respond "No of course I'm not Phil!"

Phil sighs and moves his hand from my leg to my back. Rubbing his hand up and down my spine, he leans in to me.

"It's okay not to be" He says, "I know you've had a tough time getting over (y/n) but you're strong Dan. She's moved on and you need to as well."

I bring my hands to my face and wipe away the tears building up in my bloodshot eyes, from lack of sleep.

"What if she hasn't Phil? What if she is struggling too? Her Mum has probably died by now I wasn't there to comfort her. I feel like I've let her down and there's nothing I can do to change that. I can't move on and I won't. A part of me thinks that I will see her again and I will just have to prove to her how much I love her." I cry.

Phil exhales and places both of his pale hands on my shoulders, making me face him.

"If that time comes then I am sure that you'll try so hard to win her back Dan. But right now, you have to let her go and move on because you have a life to live." Phil tells me, "Also, you can't assume that every phone call Louise answers is (y/n) - that's just hopeful thinking! If Louise knew something, she'd tell us if she could. Just keep your chin up bear!"

"Thanks Phil" I sniff, placing my head on his shoulder, "I don't know what I'd do without you!"

"Well!" Phil chuckles, "You'd probably be having a life long existential crisis without me in your life because after all, I am amazing - hence my Youtube name!"

"Shut up!" I giggle, elbowing his side.

It sure is great to have a friend like Phil and a part of me hopes that he is right about (y/n). Maybe one day she will return and I can tell her everything that has been on my mind that have yet to tell Phil. Somethings you can only share with one person and if that means waiting a life time, I will wait for her. Just because I haven't yet fulfilled the promise I once told her I would, doesn't mean I won't one day.

My eyes gaze upon the promise ring on my bedside table, that was once on the finger of the girl I loved. It's not on her finger now but I swear, one day it will be once again. One day.

A/N Sorry for the Phan feels in here xD No there is no romance between Dan and Phil in this fanfic but obviously, platonic moments between the two will be in here because we are all Phan trash ;) But Dan hasn't gotten over you and you will one day see him again! How will you meet? How will Dan react and how will you react? So much to find out! Comment any suggestions or ideas that you want to see I this fanfic! Thanks again ~ Katie