The Fear Of Falling Apart // Dan Howell

Chapter 8

"You what?" Louise exclaims, "Phil was your tour guide?"

"Yeah and now he knows I'm living here with you!" You say, holding your temples as you sit on the cream sofa.

"Did you tell him not to tell Dan?" Louise asks, sitting down next you.

"Yeah but I'm working in the radio department so there is not point in telling him that - Dan will recognise me the minute he spots me!" You cry, placing your head in your hands.

Louise puts her arm around you and slowly rubs her hand against your back.

"Honey, maybe this won't work out. You clearly are still hurting from what happened with you and Dan and this is a big step for you!" Louise says softly.

"I know Louise but the truth is I want to be with Dan again." You sob.

Louise's mouth drops and you suddenly look up with the realisation of what you just said. You do want to be with Dan again. You never moved on. You miss him and you love you him - nothing changed.

"I want to be with Dan again" You repeat as a whisper.

"(y/n) if you are serious about this then you need to be strong and carry on - who knows what will happen!" Louise grins, "If you see him tomorrow, don't be scared! Just act natural!"

"How can I?" You shout, standing up from the sofa and pacing around the living room, "I look so different now and I have a boyfriend - he'll never take me back!"

"(y/n) you need to question your relationship with Luke!" She sighs, "Because you're more passionate about Dan than you are about Luke. Also, Dan doesn't care about your looks, he cares about you as a person."

You place your hand on your burning forehead and take time to digest those words, as your feet sink into the fluffy, white carpet.

"I'm not desperate for him Louise. If I see him, I wont hide but I'll play hard to get. This has gone on for too long and I need to see those dimples again." You say.

"You're in love (y/n)" Louise grins, standing up and taking the empty mugs on the coffee table into the kitchen.

You are and there is no denying it.

Phil's POV

I was not expecting that. Florence had asked me to show the "new girl" around the place and I was all up for it. Then, as I walked into the room, I saw an unfamiliar red-haired girl. As she turns around, I see a familiar face but it's covered in make up with a skin tone not matching her body. I thought to myself  'no, it can't be her'  but it was. When Florence handed me her pass and I saw (y/n) I knew for sure it was her. So much has changed: the make up, the piercing, the hair and the tattoo. She says she has a new identity and more confidence because she has moved on but I just know that she hasn't - if she had, why did she feel the need to change her name? I left a few minutes after she did and as soon as I got home, I walked in to see Dan's long arms snaked around a brown pillow on our sofa, laying down, just staring into space.

"Dan?" I ask, "Are you okay?"

Dan's eyes move upwards, looking at me with a glum expression.

"No. Ever since yesterday, I've had this aching pain in my heart." He sighs, standing up from the sofa and clutching onto his sore chest.

"Is it indigestion or like heart burn?" I ask, puzzled.

"That's what I thought so I had some pills for it but nothing seems to get rid of it. It's making me feel so bummed." He tells me, pushing his fringe back.

That's so odd. He said since yesterday and it's almost as if he has had this heart pain since she arrived. Is that saying something? Is his heart aching for her? No, that's ridiculous. It must be something else.

"Hmm maybe you should get some sleep" I suggest, sitting down on the sofa and placing my legs on the black coffee table, "We have to go to the studio tomorrow"

"Yeah, I probably should but I can't."

Dan sits back down, next to me in his sofa crease and he leans on me for support.

"Why?"

"Ever since (y/n) left, I can't sleep alone in my bed, knowing she's not there" He mumbles.

I deeply exhale and I am just itching to tell him that (y/n) is here but I know that I can't. He really is hurting and there is nothing I can do to stop that. (y/n) has a boyfriend now and she doesn't want to see Dan again. I feel so bad.  I pull my arm back and put it around Dan, bringing him for a tight but comforting squeeze.

"I know it's difficult Danny but you just need to move on. You still have so much to live for!" I say.

Dan's head lowers so that his brown locks now lay on my shoulder. He has lost all his confidence and now he is weakened by it. I feel a wet drop seep through the material of my purple shirt and look down to see a tear falling from Dan's face.

"Please don't cry bear" I sooth him, rubbing the tear with my thumb, "This is only a phase - you'll get past this!"

"But what then Phil?!" Dan shrieks, placing his hands on his face in frustration.

"Then you can live your life and find something else to motivate you!" I smile.

Dan's removes his hands from his face and drops his head lower so it is against my chest. My arm is still draped around him and I feel him breathing so heavily.

"You'll get over her Dan. And if not, you need to try your hardest to win her back and not fall apart in the process. You can do it and you're not alone either - I'm here for you." I whisper.

"I know you are Phil. Thank you" Dan yawns.

As the night goes on, Dan falls asleep and I move to the other side of the sofa, so that our legs are tangled, letting him know that I will support him through it all. It's only platonic but I know that he's missing the intimate moments with (y/n).

 I hope she changes her mind. Maybe she'll see him and decide that she still loves him. If you love someone that much, surely you can't let them go? She seems to be coping fine though...

Or is she?

A/N aww platonic Phan moment :) So you admitted to Louise how you feel and Dan is missing you a lot, it's now physically hurting him. Will you bump into him tomorrow or will you avoid him to save the emotions? Find out soon~ Katie ^.^