The Fear Of Falling Apart // Dan Howell

Chapter 15

You reach the door to Louise's apartment with an intense shiver as you turn around to see Dan looking incredibly guilty with his hobbit hair flopping onto his face.

"Well I'm going to go..." You sigh, trailing your words off.

"Okay. I guess that's us for tonight then." Dan says, spinning around and scratching the back of his neck.

You hate watching him go - all over again.

"Dan wait!" You shout, surprising him and yourself.

Dan turns around with a hopeful but slightly worried expression on his face. What do you say now? You can't let him go. You've learnt that none of this is his fault - it's yours. You let him go and now you want him back again. You have to fix it.

"I'm sorry" You admit, bowing your head.

Is that all you can say? He is probably crushed that you don't have feelings for him too but you do and you need to tell him that. You just can't find the right words to confess.

"You don't need to be" Dan says, "I understand that you don't feel the same way."

Dan begins to walk down the stairs again but you run towards him, tugging desperately on his hand.

"Dan please!" You cry, "I do feel the same way! You have no idea how much I want to be with you! Don't think for a second that I don't because, I still haven't gotten over you from the minute you left last year. I looked out of that window at the boy I was in love with walking away and never returning! All you left me with was the final taste of your lips and an apology:  something I can never forget. I shouldn't have let you go but I did and I have never regretted anything this bad in my life - ever!"

There you go. Those were the words that been fighting to come out of your mouth for a long time. For a moment, Dan just stares blankly at you with his eyes wide. Did you say something wrong? As you begin to worry about Dan's thought process you see his eyes quickly close and his face press against yours, his hand brushing against your cheek. He passionately locks his lips with yours and then pulls away.

"Are you sure you want to end the night here?" He breathes, just inches from your lips.

You briefly look over to Louise's apartment door and then look back to Dan. You shake your head and a smile appears on Dan's pale face. You know exactly what he's thinking. Taking the lead, Dan walks back up the stairs, holding on tightly to your hand. You pull the keys out of your purse, handing them to Dan and watching him fiddle with the lock, trying not to make a sound. The door creaks open and you grab onto Dan's hand again, pulling him into the hall. Closing the door behind him, Dan slips his shoes off and pokes his head around the corner.

"Is anyone home?" Dan whispers.

"Louise and Darcy are, but it's quite late so they are probably asleep"

Dan nods and then begins to tiptoe down the hall, making you snigger a little. He turns around to look at you with a smile and a finger pressed to his lips. You cover your mouth and follow him down the dark hall of Louise's apartment. You reach your bedroom door and push it open, walking through, holding tightly onto Dan's hand. Closing the door behind you, look to see Dan checking out your bedroom, his mouth gaping at the fairy lights and candles.

"Well this is cosy!" He says.

"Yeah. It is." You smile, "Louise says I can stay here until-"

You realise how you were going to finish that sentence and quickly withdraw from going any further. You couldn't give a crap about Luke right now. He hasn't bothered to contact you since you've been here which says it all.