Free Fall. // l.r.h.

Step 12: Don't Fall

According to the location of the sun in the gray Illinois sky, it was around four in the afternoon when I climbed onto the rooftop. Three hours of crumbling emotions dripping into my conscious mind and my lone confidants graffitied the sky in dozens of glorious constellations. Suddenly a voice pierced through my silence.
"For my part, I know nothing of certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream." I didn't even have to turn around to know who the voice belonged to.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Luke was seated beside me with his arms wrapped around his knees. "Vincent Van Gogh said it. I'm guessing you inspired it."
I smiled down at my hands in my lap. "Yes, because the great artist was certainly concerned with the life of a loser like me."
"Hey, you're not a loser."
"Tell that to Jace McBride."
"I did when I broke ribs 5-7 on his left side." He laughed slightly. "I'm sure the ladies loved that." He looked down at the bottle of anxiety medicine in my hand. "What's that?"
"Lindsey told me she hates me today," I whispered.
He was quiet. "I'm sorry."
"Another name on the list."
He only replied by placing a hand on my knee. My thoughts were spilling over each other like the waterfall at Starved Rock. My heart was thumping so loud I was sure Luke would hear it. An anxiety attack was sure to overtake me. I could feel the words making way from my throat before I could stop them.
"You wanna hear something stupid?" I asked with a chuckle. "I'm in love with you." The words were spilling out of my mouth before my brain had time to comprehend them. He doesn't love me. He can't love me. I don't even love me. I covered my face with my hands. "God, I hate myself," I mumbled. "I am so stupid, you know? To think that you'd love me back. The audacity, really." I felt tears rushing down my face as everything inside my brain broke down.
"Hey, Harper--" he tried to interject.
"No, you're right. I don't deserve you." I bit my lip. "You know how they always say that no one can love you unless you love yourself?" I turned the pill bottle in my hand over and over until I had the sides memorized. "Well, did they ever think...about me? Did they ever think that maybe it's hard?" I threw that pill bottle as hard as I could into the blackness of the night. "That maybe I've been told time and time again that I shouldn't love myself, by the person staring at me in the mirror? That maybe when people leave you think you shouldn't love anything about yourself? And now they're telling me I don't deserve love." I sighed. "I guess they're right."
He wasn't making eye contact with me. "You don't--"
"And being with you... Being with you was like the sun rising on the darkest night of the year. Like when your tears dry on your cheeks. Like when the power comes back on after a storm. Like home. And who am I to think that you might, just might, feel the same way? I'm no one. I always have been." He just stared straight ahead.
"And my eyes..." I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. "There are millions of girls who have the exact same eyes as mine. And I look in your eyes, and I see the ocean. I see hope. I see all I've ever wanted. And you look at me, and we both see nothing. I can't blame you. I hate myself. It's not your fault."
I stood up, hand on my pounding forehead. "God, I'm so stupid," I whispered as I climbed back down to my window and slammed it shut.
I jumped back as moments later, it was opened again. This time, Luke climbed through it. "Geez, Matthews, you really need to learn how to let me finish." He took long strides, dissolving the distance separating us. All at once, he placed his hands that fit so well in mine onto the sides of my face. His lips were brought to mine, chasing away my fears and, for once, crushing every bit of anxiety that cluttered my brain. "I love you, Harper," he whispered, wrapping his arms around me. "I'm starting to realize I always have."