Addiction

Chapter 33.

It was Saturday, a stormy dark Seattle night. The weather matched my mood; depressing. I usually find the rain to be comforting and soothing, but I was angry at the rain for hitting so hard against the window, and for drenching my clothes in the few seconds to get to my car from the office building, then from my car to the hotel entrance.

The longer I stayed in this hotel the more pathetic I became. I was angry with the rain for doing it's job by keeping the earth and all of it's inanimate nature things vegetated. All I had to do was go out and buy an umbrella, the rain was just easier to be angry with.

To add to more of my miserable live, I still haven't taken Dr. Reece's advice about talking to everyone. I didn't even bother leaving the hotel room unless it was for work.

I've been too busy sulking I didn't find it in me to care to make any rash decisions involving any part of my current situation. Hayden asked me to move in with him and I'm supposed to give him an answer by Saturday.

Oh fuck, it's Saturday. We're supposed to meet up and I have to give him an answer to a question I didn't give much—or any—thought on.

I slap my hand over my head, emotionally tired and exhausted. If I learn anymore information that will only fuel this dwindling fire that's been slowly blazing inside of me since the morning in Hayden's study, I'm pretty sure I will not care. My mind is abstracted and anything else I hear will go in through one ear and straight out of the other. I don't have it in me to keep the irascible fire blazing, I'm weary just trying to keep the fire high and strong for as long as I did.

I stood in the shower for over an hour wondering how the hell I was I going to express my feelings to him. I tried to come up with different ways to say them without exactly telling him that I love him but all my mind could make out were those three words. I love him. It's not the same feeling of love that I had for Jake. With Jake, it was easy, he was my boyfriend and he was sweet and caring and focused on his studies just as I did. I still remember the first time he told me he loved me, I was shocked and for a moment I didn't even respond.

I was deep in my level 2 Chemistry book on my bed while Jake sat at the edge of my bed watching me. I could feel his eyes on me watching my every move, and it was slightly agitating. I yelled at him to stop and he just laughed and kept staring. The moment I was going to yell at him again, he just said it. He said he loved me. I didn't know what to say except that I loved him too.

It was easy to say to him, but the feelings that I always believed people felt when you were in love wasn't there. I said because he said it and it seemed like he expected me to say it back. I didn't want to be rude to him and leave him high and dry so I said it back though I wasn't sure if I really meant it or not.

With Hayden, he doesn't love me but for me when I'm with him it's euphoric, endangering, and entirely exhausting all at once and I love every minute of it, with the exception of those few minutes in his study. That for me, was embarrassing on my part, and painful. He was taking all of his anger out on my body and I didn't like that one bit. It was a side of him that I never got to see in this short time that we've known each other, I was afraid, petrified. He was careless but it wasn't until he saw me leaving him that he began to actually care about what he did.

While I was tossing things in my bag, I hadn't realized most of the items were work attire and nothing that could keep me worm in the stormy weather. I packed underwear and bras, skirts and blouses, one shirt, two sweatpants, one pair of jeans, and one sundress made it into the bag. I didn't know exactly what Hayden and I would be doing tonight, but I figured if he were to take me somewhere fancy and upscale then he would be out of luck. All I want to wear are these baby blue skinny jeans and my white and navy blue three-forth sleeve shirt. I threw my hair up in an easy, sloppy ponytail, but once I was in the car I look it out.