Something About Ryan

Twenty-two

"W-what?" He blinked a few times, his eyes still watery with tears.

I finally pulled back to look him in the eyes. My own had welled up again with fresh tears. "I said I-"

"No," a tear slipped down his cheek. "I heard you the first time, I just...I just," he literally broke down in tears as he stepped away from me. "I'm sorry I just...I'm sorry."

Though he was a lot taller, and brawnyer, I still made do with comforting him. We were having an actual heart-to-heart. I was seeing the real Ryan Mercer, not the cocky popular hot shot everyone knew, the genuine him. I had always known that there was something about Ryan, I just didn't know what.

"Callie, I'm doing the one thing I said I wouldn't do." He sniffed after a moment. He wiped at his eyes and "manned up" in a matter of moments. "I vowed to myself that I would never get too close to one person, yet I've known you for such a short amount of time and already I'm breaking that one vow, the one definite promise I thought I had for myself." He sniffed and looked towards the sky. "Callie, I don't want too get too close to you, and I certainly don't want to love you, not with an expiration date on me, but...I do. And I'm scared now, because now, everything's changed. I've found the person that I'm afraid to lose, the person I want, but need to push away. Callie I don't want us to become something serious because I don't want to hurt you, to leave you. I date girls and then dump them before I can even learn their full names, yet with you," he shook his head, unable to say anything further. "Callie, I don't, I can't fall in love with you. You need someone who's safe, someone who you can truly fall I love with, and someone in return can do the same with you. What if we do last until that day, a few days after, and then I just...I just..." He couldn't say it, but I knew what he was trying to. What if he just died?

Now I understood why my mom had pushed my dad away, Ryan was now trying to do the same. I shook my head. "No Ryan, that's not fair, you can't cheat yourself like that. You don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring."

"Exactly, what if it brings...the end of the road for me Callie? I don't want to-"

"Ryan it's too late for that okay." I wiped at my eyes and sniffed. "The feeling I have for you aren't just going to die down. So what if tomorrow brings fate, we live for today. We strive for the best while there's still breath in our lungs, and when it is our time, we won't leave this earth in vain, we'll leave knowing that our hearts were satisfied."

"Callie, I can't do that to you, to anyone." He whispered.

I shook my head furiously. "So what, you're just gonna shut your self off from everyone until the day you finally do die? Ryan it just doesn't work like that. Ryan we're all gonna go at some point or another, some sooner then others, but we can't let that thought alone hold us back from doing what we need to, from feeling what our hearts yearn for. You just have to trust that there is a purpose for your life, that there is a reason for you being here. And once you accept that, nothing else matters." I held on to his arms and looked right up into his eyes.

All my past hurt and anger from fresh open wounds had already healed and closed, they were forgotten. Seeing Ryan in such a state of weakness, without the big facade and glamor, gave me a new respect for him. It made me realize that he would never take part in something like what they did last night, I had been wrong.

"Ryan, I don't know how Jamie got that video, but...I'm sorry, I should have trusted you enough to know that you would never be a part of something like that."

He shut his eyes and his shoulders sagged a little, as of a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. "Callie," he finally said once he opened his eyes. "I can't believe I'm saying this...I just, look." He looked me in the eyes, taking my small hands in his. "I may end up failing you in the future, so I apologize in advance," he took a deep breath. "I'm gonna take a leap of faith, and I'm just gonna...just gonna go for it, I'm just gonna come right out, right out and say it. Callie, I..." He shut his eyes again and pressed his lips together. I could tell he was struggling, there was an internal battle going on within him, you could almost see it. "I, love you, Catherine Fisher." He took a deep breath. "There, I said it." His eyes were misty again, as were mine. "Now can you just promise me one thing?"