One Hundred Letters for James

019

019:

Fairs

(You weren't really there for this one, but I guess it regards you)

In Grade Ten, I dated Marcus. He was the kindest, most understanding person I had ever known, and I was extremely surprised that he fancied me of all people. You liked him too, so I didn't have to worry about you blowing your top.

In September, Marcus and I went to the annual fair, hoping to find some fun. You were working there, at the Ferris wheel.

"What ride do you want to go on next?" He had asked me.

"How about the Ferris wheel?" I responded.

"Sure." He took my hand and walked me over to the line.

"Hey guys! Having fun?" You had asked when you saw us.

"Yea. You?" I responded, oblivious to Marcus' sudden silence.

"Great. Hey, Kath, do you wanna sleep over tonight? I got some popcorn and Skittles, your favorite!" You proposed.

"Sure. Did you remember the cola?" I agreed.

"Definitely."

"Cool. See ya then." I said, taking Marcus' hand and pulling him into the cart.

"So," He started. "What's going on between you and James?"

"What?" I laughed. "Me and James? Yea right. We're just friends, Marcus."

"I don't know, Kay." I winced at the terrible nick name he had given me. It was terribly unoriginal, unlike the one you had given me. I winced again. I found myself comparing all my boyfriends to you, and it was a habit I couldn't seem to shake. Not even now, when I'm nineteen years old, can I help noticing that my boyfriend's hair isn't quite as tousled as yours, and his nose is a little larger.

"What do you mean? You don't want me to sleep over at his place? Cuz I don't have to, if you don't like it-"

"No Kathleen, it's more than that. I can't help feeling like the third wheel whenever we all hang out, and I'm the one dating you. I just, I don't think we should, I don't think that we should be together anymore." Marcus looked down at his lap, avoiding my eyes.

"Really?" I whispered.

"I don't want to do this. But I have to. I want to be your one and only, but I feel like you'd rather have James." And he was right. I still fancied you, and I couldn't help gawking at you almost 24/7. I don't know what made me attracted to you; maybe it was the way you always comforted me, or maybe it was because I felt like I had melted your mean shell, so I felt like I could make you fancy me too.

"Goodbye, Marcus." I said, quickly exiting the cart as soon as it touched the ground. "Hey James, I'll be at your house when you come home." I said, breezing past you in a rush to get to the bus stop, where I could cry alone.

When you finally came home, I cried into your shoulder for a good hour. The protective grip you had on my waist made me feel more and more at home, relaxing my tense body. I told you how Marcus thought we had something going on, and you were furious.

The next day at school, you gave him a black eye.

I avoided the fair from then on.