One Hundred Letters for James

020

020:

Farms

(I got a job today. I'm working at the children's toy store, just like I always wanted, and I've got enough money for a place of my own. But why am I still not happy?)

When we were in Grade Three, a few months after my dad died, you and your mother took me to your granna's farm.

We all had a great time there, but it was what happened when we came back that scarred me.

In the short week that we had been gone, my mother had sunk into a deep depression, and was out at pubs daily.

"Mum, please don't leave," I would scream, yanking on her arms.

"Could ya quit ear bashing, Katherine?" She would answer viscously, in a drunken haze.

"Kathleen. My name is Kathleen." And then I would be shocked into silence, allowing her to leave with ease.

Sometimes I think about what would have happened if I didn't go with you. If I had stayed with my mum during her grieving period, instead of going off with you.

I haven't actually seen my mum sober in years.

And you always wondered why I didn't want to come to the farm anymore.

(Wow, I'm 1/5th of the way done, James. What will I do when I'm finished?)