One Hundred Letters for James

033

033:

Heartbreak

I did something terrible today, James. God, I'm such an idiot! I'm a fucking idiot, you know that, you must know that. I was an idiot for thinking you'd love me, I was an idiot for thinking that anyone would love me.

His name is Ryan. He's beautiful, not handsome, he's freaking beautiful, and he's smart, and oh god he's nice, like you never were.

He started to eat lunch with me a month ago. Around the same time I'd started eating lunch again in the first place. He told me he'd never seen me before, and I chuckled, and you know how much I hate chuckling.

Then he started coming to my dorm to study and hang out, just hang, and I was so happy to finally not be lonely.

I took advantage of him, I know I did. He was interested, I knew it, too, and I probably could have liked him like that, if you weren't always there, looming and taunting saying 'Don't forget about me, Kathleen, don't forget you love me.' And I don't. Except for that one time, that one time where I kissed him and started to cry at the thought of you kissing some girl, and I blew it and he was out of the door faster than I could say 'lonesome'.

How many girls have you turned down, James? How many girls have left your house in tears, how many have slapped you and stormed away? You probably can't even count on one hand.

Gabby had to have been one of the first. She was quiet and small, the opposite of you.

I don't remember why you broke up, but I do remember her balling into my shoulder on the front step of your house as I waited for her to leave so I could go inside.

From then on I made sure I was never on the receiving end of a break up, and here I am, with my heart still hurting nonetheless.